Me And What I Think About.

Love?

2010-02-19T21:40:00.002-05:00

The love an animal gives is so forgiving, so fresh, so PURE. Why is it that animals only give such pure love? They will stand by a master who hits them regularily, and will even be happy to see them. Such love is the only kind of love that can make people truly change, and make the world better. Why can't we just open our arms and hug those who hurt us? Why can't we just love?

Probably because for it to succeed EVERYONE to do this all at once. If only, if only.

Failure is only a mindset, and those are temporary at best.

2010-02-17T18:03:00.002-05:00

Failure is only what you see yourself as. People can only try and control you. It may seem that they succeed, but they never truly do. Your mind is no one else's but yours. Remember that. Stay strong. Just be.

Please watch these vidoes!!!

2009-06-17T07:47:00.001-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/user/djet7
Ok you guys. I know you guys are buisy in the summer and all but please, watch these videos. It will only take a few minutes out of your day.

My boyfriend wants to be a director and this is what he is starting with.

A few friends, a camera, and a computer. This is his passion. Please just watch the videos at least once. And if you like them please tell other people about them. I think that they are funny. I might be bias, but at least I care. Please, help him.

It means so much to me that you even took the time to watch this.
Please....Just take one look.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
-Gabby

Scream from Within

2009-04-20T22:31:00.001-04:00

A scream in the night
One of pain
One of fear
One that pleads to be helped
Make it stop

The screaming never stops

From a corner
From around the bend
From within

Hidden Storm

2009-04-08T19:16:00.000-04:00

Caught in the storm
Never seeming to end
Wanting and end for it
Will it ever come?
I don’t think so

This storm within a brain
A tortured brain
Tortured by itself and
A painful past

Where I'm From

2009-02-18T01:15:00.000-05:00

I am from water,
I am from good food, and Italian aromas
I am from the red clay.
From cats and dogs
I am from the pages of a book,
From history and celebrity

I am from tomato sauce and spaghetti,
From tales long and old
I am from Godfather and Scarface,
From blankets and sewing
I am from a war and an attack,
A change and advancement,
As well as old things

I am from books,
Pages leafed so many times the edges fall off,
From so many stories I can tell you
I am from troubled times,
New age advances,
And a feeling of hopelessness

Voices In My Head

2009-02-12T16:36:00.001-05:00

Those voices in my head
That is what everyone calls them
I hate them
They tell me to do mean things
I will not listen to them
I will not
I will not give in
I can’t
The horrible things that they want me to do
I can’t stand it
And when I don’t listen
They torture me
They show me the things that I could do
I can't take those visions
They hurt me
I can’t hurt the ones that I love
I will not hurt the ones that I love

Story Of A Teen Girl

2009-02-11T19:54:00.004-05:00

I saw her.
She was looking down.
Her face was obscured by her jet black hair that was flapping in the wind, and the high collar of her red knitted sweater. She was looking down at her hands which were folded at her abdomen. Her thumb was making circles on her lower stomach. For an instant I was able to see her mouth. Her lips were formed into a soft, loving, but small smile. Then I knew. What I had just witnessed was motherly love at it’s earliest and most tender moment.

Cool New Singer I Found!

2009-02-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewProfile&friendID=63019447
This is the myspace page for The Leano, a british singer. His songs are amazing! I wrote up lyrics for his first song, Smile.

The Leano
Smile

Intro (talking):
This is dedicated,
To all the smiley people in the world.
So whatever age, creed, color
I want every single person to raise a smile
(faint laughing)
It’s simple
And it goes…

Verse 1:
Forget the screw face
Here’s a new face
Tie the corners of your lips to your ears with a shoe lace

Let me see the white or yellow of your teeth shine
Or work out for the mighty muscles on your cheek line
Stretching back the seam like you had a face lift
A golden opportunity
There’s no need to waste it
A chance
To ease the ties from your forehead
Even the stresses of the world
outside on your doorstep
Are prized surprise as your lips will rise
To make an eclipse
One between the dips of your eyes
The strangest surprise will occur in your neighbor
Vibe travels like illness in a shop
More addictive than any drug sold on the corner
Internationally supplied
Across all borders
What was set you to see
What was set to you new own
Is one in the same thing but the method is known

It goes

Chorus:
Smile
Push your cheeks back
Do what I do
Smile
Let your teeth shine
It’s good for you
Smile
For the vibe grow quicker in this room
And we’ll keep on smiling ‘till the love consumes
(2x)

2,3, and

Verse 2:
Smile
Let the fabric of your face gain creases
Turn a frown upside down through the rumble of the speakers
I came
To bring a yoga lesson for your features
Cheeks grow taunt like the freshest of peaches
Smile
Let the windows of your soul stand ajar
Are a band-aid for the wounds and untreated scars
If you’re afraid
Listen close you are bound to laugh
‘Till “Ding!” between your lips a showbiz spark
Smile
The universal signal for survival
Rich or broke,
The light for the darkness
The prize for an eye is when life is a heart stress
Lips prize apart
Creating the sparkles
Let the worries of the world melt away
Bring the glory to the world in your personal way
Smile
Let it grow from the center of your soul
We’re one in the same
Please let it be known

It goes

Chorus:
Smile
Push your cheeks back
Do what I do
Smile
Let your teeth shine
It’s good for you
Smile
For the vibe grow quicker in this room
And we’ll keep on smiling ‘till the love consumes
(2x)

It goes
Smile
It goes smile
It goes smile yes
It goes smile

Suicide

2009-02-08T12:36:00.002-05:00

Pills, pills
So many pills
All colors
Like skittles
The wrong pills
No!
Fall
Call
9
1
1
Go
Emergency
Crying, worrying
Safe
Sigh
Sadness
Why?

My Other New Blog!

2009-02-04T16:44:00.002-05:00

Hey everyone, please check out my other blog all about my photography! It is at www.aliceincameraland.blogspot.com

People

2009-02-02T12:56:00.002-05:00

Well as I was writing that last blog there were these two girls sitting behind me at another computer, and I was typing away when all of the sudden one of them loudly states that some guy they were talking about was going to jail. Then the other one states just as loudly that she is going to add him as a friend on facebook. Now I think they just wanted everyone to know that they know him. I mean they wanted everyone in the room to hear. They were speaking almost as if they were talking to the ENTIRE room. It was really obnoxious.

Now I have no problems with talking about things like that in a public space. But that was simply disrespectful. And if anyone agrees with me or even reads this and disagrees. Please tell me your thoughts as to why you think this or that.

Update

2009-02-02T12:46:00.003-05:00

Lately I have been having a lot of stress directed towards me because of a debt that I have. I also have no job so it takes a really long time for me to earn anything.
My anxiety problems are acting up as well it is really hard for me not to freak out. And all of this is causing physical problems for me as well. It is really hard. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this. I haven't been able to do any writing lately because of my college classes. I have a computer class that seems pointless to me. I wish they had a test to see if you knew how to use a computer. Then if you got a certain score then you wouldn't have to take the class. Because I think that it is pointless and a waste of money to take that class if you know everything in it.
I have my psychiatrist appointment today and I am going to try and see if I can go and ask him a bunch of questions and see if I can get to a point where I don't need him anymore. Or I can at least get a better medication for my anxiety. I really don't know what I am going to do if I can't see my boyfriend.

I for got to mention. I am grounded. I think I will be for about a month. It is a long story, and one that I would rather not go into on a public site. But the gyste of it is that I am grounded and I can only see my boyfriend during classes. It really sucks because he can help me calm down and relax whenever I need to. I will try my best to make it through this time. But it is REALLY hard.

Poem About Writing Poems

2009-01-29T17:06:00.001-05:00

Two lines can rhyme
Along in time
As long as the aren’t unsightly

So pick up your pencil, computer, or pen
And make sure you write them rightly

The Sad Day

2009-01-22T14:04:00.001-05:00

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen staring down the darkened hall. Listening for any clue as to what was being said down there. The television was flashing images and they were moving but during the glances that I gave the screen nothing registered. I loved this show. But some how it’s entertainment eluded me. I grabbed the remote, muting it so that I could hear down the hall better. The microwave beeped telling me that the tomato soup in there was ready. But I didn’t think that we were going to be eating it anytime soon. For I had a very good clue as to what was being said down the hall. And by the occasional sniffle my fears were being confirmed more every second. Then he came back down the hall. The worried and tense face that he had born going down the hall was gone. He was half walking half stumbling down the hall towards me. And his eyes were beginning to redden. He was on the verge of tears. I walked up to him not saying a word for I knew that if he wanted me to know the news he would tell me. He took a ragged breath in and said, “H-he’s gone.” In an instant I had my arms around him in an embrace that I would have never let go of if I didn’t have to. But I did, and I looked up at his face.

We had been in the kitchen cooking a lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup when his mother had informed him that his dearest grandfather had been rushed to the hospital. A look of deep concern came over his face, and he became sullen and brooding. I told myself that it was going to be okay. This happened all the time right? But I didn’t want to voice that in case I was wrong. We finished preparing our meal in a tense silence. Then his father came into the living room adjacent to the kitchen and asked for my worried chef to follow him down into the depressing and dismal hallway to conduct their meeting.

His Grandfather had passed. “He was rushed to the hospital and when they got there his blood pressure just dropped.” he stuttered with half gasping breathes to me. “I knew it was going to happen eventually, he had Parkinson’s.”
I understood. Just because you knew something was coming it didn’t soften the blow at all.
He began to cry; tears traveling down his face. I knew that those were only the first of many tears that would be running down his face that day and for the days to come.
I clung to his large frame trying to hold him up, physically and emotionally. He wasn’t breaking just yet. I knew that. These tears were only tears of shock. It only got worse from here on.

Then he stopped crying. He motioned that we should finish our meal. I just went along with him, opposing him at this point would be the worst thing that I could do. But the soup did nothing for me as I was eating it. I had lost all of my appetite with the grim news. But I feigned hunger for his sake. After he finished eating his soup in silence he got up and began to clean off the table.
He turned to me and said, “I’m going to do the dishes.”
I nodded, “Alright”

So I just sat in my chair swirling my spoon around in my soup; pretending to eat it whenever he glanced at me, which he didn’t.
Then he looked at me and said, “Do you really want to help?”
Of course I did anything to keep this silence from being awkward.
I walked up to the sink and grabbed a towel and a wet pan and began to dry it. We kept this up for a while, him trying not to cry or face reality. I was trying to watch him and make sure that I was there instant that a tear fell from his eye to wrap my arms around him. Every once in a while he would stop scrubbing to stare at the pan. A look on his eyes made me wonder if soap swirls on a pan could give him the answers he was looking for at the moment. Then he looked at me and said, “My dad got this brush for me. Me and my brother went through a faze where we couldn’t stop making lemonade. And there was no way for us to clean it. It was too narrow. So my dad bought me this.” He said this as he waved his wand like brush in the air. “It also works really well for my Guinness glass. It gets cleaner if I do it than if I put it in the dishwasher.”
I nodded in confirmation. He was rambling, doing anything to keep his mind on anything but the dreadful truth.

Then he paused, bracing himself on the sinks edge. I tensed, ready to embrace him if he started to sob. But he didn’t, “He lived through so much,” he said, getting back to doing the dishes in front of him. He was quickly running out of dishes. “He got to see so much, he remembered…” The rest was lost to me because he began to mumble, then he began to speak clearer, “Well, he saw the first African-American man elected to be our president, that was a good thing.”

I smiled and agreed with him. He wasn’t mad about him leaving at least. He was remembering the good times and the great life he had had.
He had also started to cry again. But I knew that he was on a mission to clean all of the dishes, so I didn’t touch him.
Once he finished cleaning, he looked like he needed something to do. But there was nothing left.

Then his father came back into the living room. His eyes were red, but his voice was even. David walked out to see him and talk with him in the living room. This was a personal moment. I just stood in front of the sink with my head hung. Giving the grieving men their privacy and trying to remain invisible as to not disturb them. They said a few words and then embraced. His father made his way down stairs. No doubt to tell his wife. David turned to me then. I noticed that he wasn’t going to hold out much longer. So I went up to him and hugged him. He began to cry almost at once. He didn’t utter a single word. He just cried, letting out an occasional choke. I clung to him whispering that I was there for him and that it was going to be okay.

His crying began to subside once again. He was trying his best to hold it all in and be strong. I knew that his efforts weren’t going to hold out forever. He slowly pulled away from me and wandered around the kitchen looking for things to do. There was nothing. Their house was spotless like always. Then he just leaned his back against the counter top sighing and starting to cry again, but more silent this time. I walked up to him, stood next to him, and put my hand over his. We remained like that for a little while then he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t refuse, he knew what he needed. After a moment if standing like that, he pulled away and looked at me. “I’m going to go down there and talk with my dad for a moment.” I nodded and agreed. He sort of stumbled his way to and down the stairs. The second that he disappeared I walked down into his room. I knew that he would want to go there next, it was more private. So I walked in and proceeded to clean off his bed so that there was nothing that he had to do to collapse onto it. After I finished I sat at the edge of his bed and thought for a moment or to.

This didn’t seem real. I thought about how unfair it was that this had to happen now, when he was so young and getting to be happy with me. I also thought about his face when he came down from the hall. It broke my heart and I struggled to keep the tears from coming to my eyes. I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him. I would cry later, when I was alone, he didn’t need someone to cry with; he needed someone to comfort him. He came into the room. I only knew because he was fairly loud when he walked around the house. He sort of stood in the doorway for a minute. I wiped my eyes and turned to look at him. He looked at me, but it felt like he didn’t even see me, and then he walked over to the bed and just sort of fell onto it. Clambered on to the bed and hugged him before the tears came. But I wasn’t quick enough, they came now. They were thick and heavy and the sight of him being hurt so much made me want to cry but I held that instinct back for him. After his original sobbing began to subside; I drew away and wiped his eyes and kissed his face, telling him that I loved him and that I was here for him.
“I have to be strong for my dad; he is the strong one usually. It is my turn to be the strong one.” I didn’t think that either of them could be any stronger.
“You are so strong. I admire your strength, especially right now.”
He looked at me almost puzzled, “How am I strong?”
“Look at you, you are keeping it together. But at the same time you have great strength by showing this side of you to me.”
He let a small smile come to his lips.
We held each other in silence and thought. I laid flat on my back and looked at the ceiling. I thought about the unfairness of it all and was sad. It was so hard to hold the tears back. A few got through, but I wiped them away as soon as possible so that he would not see them. I turned to look at him and make sure that he didn’t know. He was just staring at the ceiling, tears slowly falling out of his eyes and onto his bed sheets. I began to wipe them gently away from his face. He closed his eyes, as if I was soothing him. I kissed his eyelids and his cheeks and his forehead.
He turned to me and said, “Please don’t ever leave me.”
I almost laughed, “Baby, I could never leave you even if I wanted to.”
“Promise me?”
A small smile came to my lips, “I will never leave you.” I promised, and I meant it with all of my heart.

Important!

2009-01-21T17:28:00.000-05:00

Please go to the site and do what you can to help!

A Sad Day

2009-01-19T14:58:00.003-05:00

Why do all the worst things happen to the people who I love the most. A friend of mine just had a realative very close to him die. I was with him when he got the news. And seeing someone just break down like that really makes you upset. I was crying also and I didn't even know him. Then he started talking about all the things that his relative had lived through. It was so sad but so kind to hear. He really loved the relative of his. I am sorry for his loss.

I wish I could help his family in some way. I held him while he cried but I want to make his whole family smile and remember all the good memories. I want them to celebrate his life and not mourne his death. I think that a death should be remembered but not dwelled apon.

I send my regrets to the family but I also send my love and friendship. And help if ever needed. I also send the message of love and happiness, for without it we would all be lost.

My Day, And Some Of My Life

2009-01-16T23:36:00.003-05:00

I had a great day today. Me and my boyfriend had a great time being together. Just us being together makes us feel great. We make each others days. Tomorrow we are going to have a movie marathon of sorts. It is going to be cool! He got his new sterio system in today! It really was fun. We were driving home blasting Rob Zombie all over the place! It was so much fun!

Sometimes me and him don't have a good day but then we talk to each other, and we feel so much better. We have that kind of effect on each other. I love him. I really do. I love spending time with him and see the amazing smile that lights up his face when I do somethin stupid. But most of all I love the look he gives me when we are just sitting side by side and I glance at him and try my hardest to tell him how much I love him without words, and I start to cry with that overwhelming emotion. And he gets a look on his face that talls me that ne matter what I do or say, he will still love me and want to protect me untill the end.

I care for him so deeply. His family treats me as one of their own.

I also love the fact that he is just as mentally messed up as I am. It makes me hoot with laughter when I think about all of the completely insane things that we do together. We can also confide in each other when we had a bad illusion, waking nightmare, nightmare, or fear. But we also confide our dreams, and hopes in each other. That is a quality I love. I also love that no matter how many little tiffs we may have we come out loving each other the same, if not even more.

I love him, and that is really all their is to say.

Book and Micro-blogging

2009-01-15T19:16:00.002-05:00

I have been writing a book all this part of the new year. And I just got my internet back so I have been going crazy trying to catch up with everything I have missed.

My book is about an angel named David who comes to earth to help a woman find her cartain special 'someone'. I think that it will be really good once I finish it.

I am not going to post much about my book on here simply because of plagerism concerns.

I really missed blogging. I have just started micro-blogging on Plurk.com and Twitter.com. (my user name is: helovesmedearly.)
Micro-blogging is really kind of fun! You post small messages(max. is about 140 letters) every couple of hours or so. But knowing me I have been posting almost every other minute. It is really kind of fun. But I really do prefer actual blogging here. It gives me so much more satisfaction, and I can say so much more in one posting.

I have found that Twitter is a much more simple type of blogging. It doesn't feel like social network. It hase some simple basic layouts and a few cool options. It looks like a mini version of blogging, the layout is the same. But for the most part it feels like typing an online mini-journal. You don't really realize that alot of people do read this and can read this.

While Plurk on the other hand is alot more like a myspace page type of layout. The concept is the same. But isnstead of all of the posts being stacked ontop of each other. They are layed out in a timeline type of form. It also seems like this site is a little slower that Twitter, it may be my computer but that is an observation I see never the less. It is also very socially oriented. You can choose the colors for the backround and even get customized ones. Plurk also has a system of reward for interactong with people and being active on the site. You get karma points for everything from how much you post to how many followers and friends you have.

All in all I think that micro-blogging is an interesting consept but will never measure up to real, full length blogging.

Some Things About Me

2008-12-29T04:42:00.001-05:00

It really confuses and makes me happy and the same time if some one says that what I write is deep when I wasn't trying to do anything other than get my thoughts out of my mind

I love finding quotes and funny llittle facts!

I love music because it is the only way for me to truly express my emotions and what my mood is, without using words....because sometimes, words just don't cut it, there are things out there that need a word but they don't have one that fits

I love to write because I can let anything I want out, when I am writing, nothing matters because I know that no one can say anything bad about my inner thoughts
they should be thanking me right then for letting them into a small part of my soul

I love swimming because I can let out all of my anger, it can also sooth me whan I am sore or tired....it makes me feel free, all I have to do is put my head under and all of the yelling, screaming, nagging, worries go away instantly...

I love photography because it is the only time I can actually get across everythign I wanted to say without saying a word
All i do is simply look, point and shoot.
I love being able to capture somethings soul in an instant, and keep it forever

The things that I love I have so much passion for....I love them, they make me, me!

I don't hate, I only pity people who hate.

I feel sorry for those who only see the bad in people and that they can't look past that
to see that a person, even the worst of them
has all done something kind or good in their life!
I believe that every one can do good, I think it is a personal choice to not do good.

I am very openminded, I love hearing someones opinion of something, I love thinking about
things like that.
I like being able to say, "yea, I know what you are talking about, but this is a good point too" or, "I agree, and I am so happy that you were able to tell me that."

These are very old but I'll post them anyways

2008-12-29T04:41:00.000-05:00

i see him
he sees me
i run
why
because he knows
what does he know?
well i am not going to tell you that am i?
he sees me run
he chases
don't chase me
you know my secret so there is nothing I can hide from you
i change
i am away
i have escaped
how?
Only me and him know

why do i have to sing?
it keeps me off the brink of insanity
i sing songs in a long forgotten language that everything knows
i am older than i look and being so old makes you know things
things that can scare you in to the brink of insanity
but singing of old things that are forgotten is best
for the old ways are much simpler
there was only ever one way of living
to live.
Then to die
I wish I could

Rain
Why
Stop
Help
I am in trouble
Save me
Why won’t you stop?
It hurts
Tears
Blood………

Safe
Does this word exist?
Is it ever true?
Can you keep me safe?
You said you can
But I am not so sure
Why do you promise things that you can’t keep?
I thought you could
Then
This happened
Why?
Why did you say you could keep me safe?
You were the one who hurt me
Did your promise include keeping me safe from yourself?
No
Who can save me from themselves?

How Much He Means To Me

2008-12-29T04:37:00.003-05:00

He should be calling me soon. I can't wait. I love him so much. Sometimes it actually hurts me. There is this deep aching feeling in my chest when I talk to him. Or even when I am just thinking about him. I have a need for him now. He makes me whole, he makes me feel good about myself; even when I don't want to. He makes me laugh when I'm angry, etc. He isthe only person who I know that can do this at all, let alone to me. I love him, and I mean that more than I ever have in my entire life. I could never live without him, let alone tryin the first place. He makes my skin turn to fire and my heart beat along to a fast rythim I love him so much. I wish that I didn't have so many problems, then I would be able to talk to him directly, and I wouldn't feel so worried and weird. I love him, I could never say it enough. I don't ever WANT to say it enough. I am happy where I am and I never want that to change. I love him. That is all I can say. Those three pathetic, often missunderstood, or missused words are the only thing that I have to expess myself. I think that it is a major understatement, but any more powerful words, illude me. I love him.That is what I am limited to. But I think that untill I, or someone else, invents a better word or phrase, I will be limited to those three limp words. But I mean them with all of my heart.

Untitled Thought

2008-12-29T04:36:00.000-05:00

Everytime that I just sit down and silently rant to my computer does good for me. I feel a little better knowing that it is in writting and that all I have to do is print it out if I ever wanted to show someone exactly how I felt at that moment and almost exactly what happened. Sometimes I forget little things like that. I can remember if a person was there but I could never tell you what their height, eye color, or clothes looked like. I hate that little quirk. I also like the fact that I could show this to anyone at any time, without having to actually say it. It is so much easier to write what you want than to actually say it out loud. I can say so much more and I can say it to much easier if it is on paper. or even just digital.

Love

2008-12-29T04:26:00.001-05:00

Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called silly and that is the end of it. I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that. We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in his room, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much one means to the other.

Some Lyrics I Wrote

2008-12-29T02:52:00.002-05:00

And they said love
they said forever
they said now
and together

They said I will be
Never again do i want to hear such lies
the lies
they tell to me

And they said love
they said why not
they said alot
and i fought
for you

They will never know
that i saw right through them
right through their lies
right through there fakness

And they said lies
through their stained teeth
forever we will be
forever u and me
all lies

in my face
hitting me
hurting me
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
you said you didn't mean to
you didn't want to
you didn't know

i know
you know
we know
you meant to hurt me
because you didn't tell me
when it started going downhill
when you started to not feel the same
did you ever feel the same as me

I loved you so
i never would have let you go
exceptyou wanted to go
and if your happy
then i'll let you go

All i wanted was for you to be happy
with or with out me
i'll learn to live
i love you so
i never tried to let you go
but i need to now

I never wannnted to say
I don't need you today
but im glad
i can say
loved you
even if only for a day

The Unnamable Woman

2008-12-29T02:47:00.001-05:00

Therein the moonlight
look it is she
the one
they call her
the puppetier of the night
she pulls all of the strings that make the night
she rides the Night mare
she is the daughter of shadows and dreams
she makes the crickets chirp
the bushes rustle
the shadows move
the birds adjust
and she makes your mind
see things that aren't really there
she helps all of us overcome our inner fears as well
she makes and shapes our dreams so that we may see the inner meanings to our life
as well as maybe, if your lucky,she will show you a piece of your future in your dreams
the only thing you have to do is remember
and use what she gives you selectivly and wisely
do not get caught up in her or take her too seriously
she can fool and joke
she will overthrow you and you will never come back from her world

I Wrote This Forever Ago. But I'll Post It Now.

2008-12-28T22:59:00.002-05:00

I hate this right now
I can’t log onto my blog to post this stuff
But I can’t get onto Myspace or Facebook either
I hate that
I need do to that stuff
To help m calm down
But I can’t if I can’t get to it
I hate this
I really need my internet music to help me calm down and be able to loose myself in it
There is nothing I can loose myself in anymore
I hate this
I am also afraid of being left
Again
I am afraid that since I have given all I can
That I will be thrown away
Because I have been used before
I have this fear
I hate having this fear
I want to believe that I won’t be thrown away after what happened
But it is really hard for me to believer that
I need to talk to someone
But I can’t
No one is ever available when I need them the most
They are all busy
Or tired
Or they don’t care
Or they are in trouble and can’t talk
I need someone
I really do
They came!
I am so happy!
They care!
But then they have to leave again
I hate that
I wish we just lived together
I hate this
I wish I wasn’t under their control anymore
I think that I make good decisions
I think that I am responsible
And that I am showing that
But it seems like the more responsible that I am
The more I get taken away
I don’t get this reasoning
I hate that reasoning
I hate this
I hate being like this
I really want to learn to type without looking at the keyboard
It is fairly hard but it is possible
And I can get through it fairly well
But I do go a bit slower that normal
But that is okay
If that is the price I have to pay
So be it!

I hate that they think that they can just take whatever they want away from me
Especially when I am becoming more responsible as we speak
I am showing them exactly how responsible I am
And I am getting everything taken away
My phone, My Computer, My internet, my freedom, my friends, my boyfriend, My Security, My contacts, My relaxation, My life
Everything is being taken away
And they are using petty excuses
Ones like “You think that having that kind of a cell phone bill will go unpunished?”
Well I am being punished for it
I have to pay most of the bill!
And this whole computer thing
Is way off the wall
My sister had a fight with my parents….I get my internet taken away?
I have to let my grades suffer?
Because of my sister being a grouch?
And I also have to stand there when he jumps on her?
I am not allowed to swear? I get grounded for a week for swearing?
A WEEK!?
Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me…idk
I don’t know what is going on in this house anymore.
I really don’t get anyone’s thought process anymore
I really don’t know where they are pulling this stuff from
Usually I get a day or two grounded because of swearing
Never a week
And I apologized for it too
But I must be punished harshly for something because I am more responsible?
Somehow that makes no sense to me
Does it make sense to anyone else?
I’m not really sure
But I don’t see how it could

I think that the word freedom is not ever completely understood
I think that true freedom doesn’t exist
Just like perfection
It can be said and thought of
But it is never truly accomplished.

New Years Resolutions!

2008-12-28T22:50:00.003-05:00

1. Blog more.
2. Live life knowing that I am cared for by someone.
3. Say that I am beautiful and mean it.
4. Stop nagging on myself and just relax.
5. Get rid of my anxiety problem.

What about you? What are your resolutions?

Christmas

2008-11-04T12:52:00.003-05:00

I love Christmas.
It is my favorite holiday.
Simply because of the cheer and togetherness it brings with it
Of course I don't hate the presents either,
But that is not the only reason I love that holiday.
I love it for many reasons.
One of the first reasons is that you receive as well as give gifts, so no one will feel guilty.
I like my birthdays, but you always walk away thinking that you should have given your guests something more in exchange for the amazing presents that they gave you.
Another thing that I love is that the mood of everyone get lifted.
I love snow, and the silence that it brings.
Have you ever just stood outside while it was snowing?
It sounds like there is a blanket over your ears, everything is quieter.
I love that, I also love the invigoration you feel when the chill air hits your lungs with a cold blast that makes you go, "OH!"
I also love the break you get from school when that time of year rolls around, but doesn't everyone love that?
I love icicles, thick ones you find hanging from the edge of your house, and porch railings, I love to find clear ones and either suck on them or have sword fight with them.
Snowball fights are always fun in the winter as well!
I love making the fort that is never tall enough when you finally start the fight.
I just love that whole time of year, the crunch of snow under my shoes, the smell of warm food baking slowly in the oven, the weekend movies curled up under tons of blankets, and even the feel of a warm fireplace, when available.
There are so many desirable things about winter and Christmas.
I forgot, I love Christmas carols, I absolutely love them. They bring warmth, cheer, and happy feelings with them no matter when they are played.

Getting Out

2008-11-04T11:45:00.003-05:00

I love my college classes.
They are an excuse to get out of my house.
I hate being there
I feel presured to never stop working on something
I feel like relaxation time doesn't exist.
And if I need a brake I get yelled at, nagged, cornered, and told mean things to.
For some reason I don't think that that is right.
But one question is there that I want to pose.
How are you supposed to react to being cornered?
Am I supposed to just sit there?
No, I think that we have that animal-like intsinct to get that threat out of your face and fight back.
I don't know.
I know it isn't right to fight back with your parents and I try and deny that instinct as much as possible.
But wouldn't it be so much easier if everyone knew when to get out of someones face, and if everyone knew how much a person can take.
Then there would be no more accidental hurting of someone.

So I want to get out.
Get out of my house that is.
I want to leave.
I really wish I could
I would have moved out a week ago
If I could
I really hate the pressures that I have to go through.
I really wish I could just walk out that door
I have no money though
And no place to go
And I am to chicken for now.

I don't hate my parents, don't get me wrong
I just don't think that it is all that good that I still live here.
I can deal with them.
But not so much all day everyday.

Love, Again!

2008-11-04T11:37:00.002-05:00

Love is such a hard thing.

It is hard to get.

Hard to keep.

Hard to find.

Hard to know if it is true.

Hard to feel.

Hard to know if you even have it.

I would like to think that I know that what I have is the best it can get.And it is definitly the best I have had in my life.But I believe that love for life is the love you are satisfied with and that you never want to try and find something better, because you truly don't think that there is anything better.That is the answer that I am trying to find right now.I know that I am the happiest I have ever been.But I do know that there may be something better out there.But I can't see what.So I have made my descion, I never want to try and find something better.Because I hanestly don't think that there is something like that.I love him.And I want to stay like that always.

2 things; Sorry and Thank You!

2008-11-01T21:47:00.005-04:00

I would like to write about 2 things tonight.

1. I would like to apologize to everyone who reads my blog. I am sorry that I haven't been writing lately.

The reason for this is the fact that my parents have taken away my Internet.

And the only way for me to blog is by sneaking (as I am now) or by going on at college.

I am going to try and finding ways to blog more if I can but I apologize for any delay.

2. I would also like to tell everyone who has ever commented on any of my blogs.

Thank You!

Everything that everyone has said has been so kind!

I really becme speechless when I read these kind things. I appreciate any feedback at all, and seeing that all of these people like what I write puts me on the verge of tears everytime.

So, thank you!

New Love May Spout Even In Complete Heartbreak

2008-10-12T11:42:00.003-04:00

After what seems like forever I have finally moved on from my ex-boyfriend.

I am not trying to say that I don't like him anymore, no!

I still like him, I just like him as a friend now.

My anger towards him has completely subsided.

I think I might care for someone else though.

I am not dating him now or any time in the near future, my heart won't let me just yet.

But in time, if I still feel the same, I may be with him one day.

He seems to understand me better than anyone else so far, he understand what he can't do and that I may hurt him.

But he doesn't seem to care, he only seems to care about being with me,

in any way possible.

Even if that means that I never date him.

That means more than anything to me.

He cares.

I need someone like that.

He also tells me when he notices something nice about me at random times.

That flatters me, I like it.

I like being told that my eyes are beautiful,

that my shape is amazing

that I have a beautiful body

that I am kind

and almost goddess like

I cry when I hear beautiful words like that directed at me.

I don't believe him at first, but the more he says it, and the more other people say it the more I believe it.

I am starting to believe that I may actually be beautiful.

This is an amazing feeling, it is hard to get me to feel this way, even after the conversation is over.

I always feel pretty when I am with someone who truly cares about me.

But I have never felt beautiful when I am by myself after a conversation has ended.

But I do now!

I feel like I should be wearing a white cotton dress for some reason..

Oh, well! I just am happy right now, stressed, but happy.

Note:

I had a comment on my "How Dare You Judge Me?" blog and it said that, "I don't judge you...the difference is you choose to show emotion...while i and many others keep bottled up. From my eyes you should be judging me. Have a great night" and this just caught me off guard.

I believe that we, as humans, judge.

Whether unconsciously or not, we judge, we label.

It only gets bad, though, when we let that effect how we treat people.

I don't let my judgement effect how I treat people, that is what I was trying to get at.

And telling me I should be judging you?

That is absurd and something I would never do!

You Dare To Judge Me?

2008-10-07T16:27:00.002-04:00

People seem to think it wierd that I dress in almost all black and still have an upbeat additude most of the time.

I think that categorizing how people should act, based off of their clothes is ludacris!

I wear black.

So what?

I like the feeling of the darkness, and the things in it attract me.

That doesnt mean that I have to go around moaning my sorrows, or that I blog because I want pity.

NO!

I do things because I like to!

I strted this blog to vent my feelings, no matter what they were.

I am not here to be popular.

Yea, people reading my writings makes me happy.

But that is not the reason of my posts.

The reason I post is for ME and ME only!

Do not be conceted.

I like to wear black, and I am happy about that.

Get over it.

I am not a clone.

I am not another barbie, or just another emo or goth chick.

The only way to describe the way I am is my name.

I am Gabrielle!

I Want To Be Happy But That Seems To Be The Hardest Thing To Do Right Now

2008-10-07T16:22:00.001-04:00

Right now there are many things I want.

But mostly I want to be happy.

But happiness seems to be the most evasive thing for me lately.

I feel like I am using someone to get over another.....but right now I just can't love someone, like

I love(d) him

I can fool around and try to drown him out

but he took a piece of me and kept it

And I keep remembering the feeling of what it felt like to have a whole heart.

Now it is just broken

just in pieces

Just there.It hurts

But all I need is time

I will not use this person, meaning I will not leave them after feel better.

But they must know that I am "using" them as a distraction so I don't cry night and day

I hope they understand and still care the way they do

but if they don't I'll understand

because I know I am an awful person

and really messed up right now.

My Confusion

2008-10-06T15:40:00.003-04:00

I am so freaking confused.

I hate being this way.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have had so much going on lately.

And the second I start to blog again I am so freaking confused.

People are telling me things about a person, that I care about, that I don't want to know.

But I hear what they are saying and I listen, I don't like what I hear all of the time, but I still listen.

Right now I just need to laugh and smile and enjoy life.

It is hard but I will try, dear readers, I will try.

I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

2008-10-02T20:32:00.004-04:00

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.

Why don't I entirely believe him.

But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.

It may help him, but it will only hurt me.

I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.

I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.

I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.

I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.

I am scared.

I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.

But what can I do?

I can't stop myself from having doubts.

But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.

I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.

Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.

I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.

I feel uplifted, and happy.

I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

My Thougts On Fall

2008-10-02T19:48:00.004-04:00

I love this time of year.

Fall. The smells, the colors the sights, the nights, the fires, the pumkins, everything.

Fall comes second only to Winter in my eyes.

But I love the silence at night, no chirping crickets, no heat.

I love the smell of perfectly ripe apples and cinnamon, the sharpness of cilled cider, and the smell of pumkin guts on carving days.

I love the keleidaskope of colors that are created within the limbs of trees.

I love to hug a dear one close in the chill wind, and seeing them laugh with their cheeks numb and red makes me happy.

I feel creative in the fall, I feel safe in the fall.

I feel loved, and warm in the fall.

I feel free in the fall.

But soon winter will come and I will be sad that autumn is leaving but I will be glad of the sharp cold, and silence that winter brings.

Halloween Costume?

2008-10-02T00:51:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I didn't break anything.

But I really wanted to.

So I was starting to wonder what I should be for Haloween, because It is only like 29 days away.

And I strted to think of what I really wanted to be, and I noticed that I don't know.

But right now I really am in a fall mood, my room smells like apples and cinamon from my candle in a jar.

So, I though of a few ideas for Halloween and I am going to have a poll to see what people think I should wear.

1. Pirate

2. Vampire*

3. Gothic Lolita (google it if you don't know)

4. Dog

5. Cat

6. Dead Bride

7. Dead prom date

8. Murderer victim

I am going to stop there because now they are just getting a little weird.

So tell me if you like any of these or any other suggestions you may have.

*= I really like this one.

Why Am I Mad?

2008-10-01T18:10:00.003-04:00

I am so freaking mad right now and there is no particular reason for this.

I am not mad at anyone in particular.

I just feel like killing something or tearing something into pieces and throwing them all over.

I am listening to that new Pink song about getting in a fight, and it is totally getting my blood boiling.

I am blasting the music out of my sound system in me room, my parents are probably going to come in here soon and yell at me to turn it down.

But I am not sure I will.

I feel awesome and powerful!
It is slightly scary, but I am not going to question it for now.

So if I don't post for a while it is because I punched either my computer or I punched something else important and got the computer taken away.

This probably wasn't written very well, and I apologize, but I just had to get this out there.

I said that would post everything no matter haw mushy or dark they got, well violent falls under that as well.

I Am Afraid

2008-09-30T23:32:00.004-04:00

I am so scared.

Scared he will realize that a life without me in it is better.

People say he won't, but that is so hard for me to believe.

I want to believe them.

But I am afraid.

Afraid that I will move on, but I know I won't ever.

Afraid that someone will use me.

Afraid that if I don't have the saying "I have a boyfriend" to hide behind I will be taken over.

I am so afraid of being lost.

I am confused as to why their can't be a middle ground.

I am confused as to why we can't be together still but not see each other as much.

I am scared I did something wrong.

I am afraid that I said something wrong.

I want to know if "taking a break" will really help, or if it will just make it worse.

I am afraid of loosing him.

Masquerade

2008-09-30T21:14:00.002-04:00

Everyone is in a masquerade today, we are all wearing masks today.

My mask is a one of happiness, and fearlessness.

Today everyone is okay, only because they say so.

Today we are fine, but tomorrow we will wake up and realise that it was all just a party for one night and that it is all over.

We will all cry that our masks must come off for now.

But there are a select few who keep their masks on all of the time, day and night.

And those people, when they come to the masquerade, are thrown out because no body knows that it really is a mask.

They think that they are being mocked if someone came in with their real face on.

I am wearing my mask tonight, but tomorrow it must come off.

It must!

A Few Of My Fears

2008-09-30T16:08:00.004-04:00

I have a major fear of loosing everything and everyone close to me, of being abandoned. It is hard for me to depend on someone wholly but when I do and they leave.

I crash, I fall.

You can yell at me for this but it is only the truth.

If I depend on you for something, just please don't leave.

I also have a fear of spiders, bugs, and anything that could get in my clothes and sting me.

I think that the reason for this is the fact that when I was little I went and wanted to rescue a little harmless black spider that was in our hallway. I picked it up and started to carry it towards the door and about 3/4 of the way there all of the sudden that little harmless black spider bit my them and ran away.

I guess the saying "Once bitten, Twice shy." applies here.

Writing, My Life

2008-09-30T15:56:00.003-04:00

As well as music being a very large part of my life is writing. I love to get all I can out on paper or on the Internet. I love being able to say whatever I want in my journal. I never get yelled at for cursing, never get argued with, never interrupted by some other person's thoughts. It is amazing what can come out of my brain through my arm and down into my fingers finally coming out on the tip of my pencil or pen. I love the feeling of accomplishing something like that. I love being able to just "dump" everything on my mind onto something that won't comment back and won't judge me. It makes me feel so much calmer and freer.

I love being able to tell my darkest dreams, my private thoughts, the extent of my love for people. Who I truly care about, and just the things that other people might become frightened if they happened to read them.

I also love to write on the Internet, like I am now. I love having people tell me that I am good at writing or that I have good ideas. I love to inspire people and affect people. I love showing off. I love that I can argue with some one and not be worried that they will judge me on looks or try to punch me.

I can let my thoughts flow freely.

I can be liberated.

I am not limited by the amount of people I know but by the amount of people that read this.

On that note, music and writing are important to me but there is much more that makes me, me. I will write about those too, whether now or later.

Music, My Life

2008-09-30T15:43:00.003-04:00

To me music is a sense of freedom and self expression. It calms me and heals me. It makes me want to get up and dance, sing, and just let go of all of my inhabitions. I don't think I could live without it. I depend on it to calm me down when I am nervous or frustrated. I need it to go to asleep and to wake up. I live and breathe music, if I am not playing it in my computer then I am making it on my piano. I love to try new forms of music all of the time. Just recently I learned how to do a basic beat on the drums. I love learning about music. The music my love makes when he is waisting time is so beautiful that I have to choke back my tears. I love hearing things that stir up my emotions so strongly that I want to just get up and do something.

I love the feel of a heavy bass guitar vibrating through my bones.

I love the sweet song that an acustic guitar makes.

I love the beat that drums can keep and how it seems to hold a song together.

I love the wild sound you can get and make on a keyboard, you can get anything from doorbellls to drums to a cat to a trumpet.

I love the calming sound that the piano can make, I love playing this in public, swaying to the music I make. But my secret is that I make most of them up on the spot.

I love music.

It heals me.

It makes me want to dance,

and sing.

I love the feeling I get in the deepest parts of my chest when I hear good music.

Music is my life and part of me.

2008-09-30T15:20:00.003-04:00

These quotes I am going to put here are for someone important to me. Someone who needs to know that they can't possibly fail me, you can only hurt me. And the only way to do that is leave me, or not care. I hope he reads this and understands.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.~Theodore Roosevelt
There is no failure except in no longer trying.~Elbert Hubbard
The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.~Sven Eriksson
The only real failure in life is the failure to try. ~Unknown

You know who you are, But I hope this will tell you how much I care for you and that you couldn't ever fail me the way you are now. I love you.

Blood Poem

2008-09-30T01:40:00.002-04:00

I have gotten so many compliments on this poem. So I felt the need to post it here.
Blood
It is every where
But I think it looks best where I can admire it
On the ground
On you
It doesn’t matter
As long as I can look at it
Admire its color that spawned so many stories and poems
Watch it make rivers and shapes out of itself
Taste it’s sweet tangy flavor that is better than anything else on earth
And wonder why this was taken away from me
Why must I feed on it
I can’t stop myself
Why was I changed to be this...this
Darkness lover
This dream of gothic people
This monster
A monster who
Want’s-like a human- what it can’t ever have
An end.

When He Left

2008-09-30T01:38:00.002-04:00

He is leaving
I can't stop crying
tears falling slowly, gracefully down my face......
I can't stop them
no one must see them
help.......
why does it hurt so bad?
it feels like half of me is leaving with him
stay
for me
please
save me........

This was written this spring and does not pertain to my current boyfriend.

Love Quotes

2008-09-30T00:58:00.001-04:00

I feel the need to post something not necessarily mine. I want to show you some of my favorite love quotes. But please keep in mind that only the ones I have said so are mine.

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.
-Voltaire

♥

Two souls and one thought, two hearts and one pulse.
-Halen

♥

A girl asked a guy if she was pretty, he said "No". She asked him if he wanted her, he said "No". She asked him if she left would he cry, he said "No". She turned to leave. He grabbed her arm and said "You're not pretty; you're beautiful. And I don't want you; I need you. And I wouldn't cry if you left; I would die."

♥
Love isn't finding a perfect person, it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

♥

True love is, when everything in the world is going wrong, all you have to do is look at that special person and, suddenly, everything in the world is right again.

♥
Promise to love me, not forever because forever is too short. But promise to love me each and every day of our lives.

♥
You know a guy loves you when he says"I love you...!" in a room full of teenage guys.

♥
When I tell you I love you I don't say it out of habit or to start a conversation. I say it to remind you that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

♥
I Love you not because of what you can give me, but because how my heart warms up whenever I am near you.

♥
For you see, each day, I love you more.Today more than yesterday, and less than tomorrow.
I don't just love you because, I love you more than "I love you" can say.

♥
If I had a star for every time you brighten my day, I would have the entire sky.

♥
If you love me as I love you,nothing but death can part us two.

♥
I don't fear insects or spiders. At great heights, I jump off, smiling. In the face of death I wink. But, when I look into your eyes, I'm in fear of how much I love you.

♥
I love when you look at me, because I know for a second I crossed your mind

♥
I've fallen in love many times...always with you.

♥
If you love someone, do not put their name in a heart because hearts can be broken, instead put their name in a circle, because circles go on forever.

♥
Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

♥
When you love someone, you pick up the little things and magically turn them into something special.

♥
He handed her 12 roses, 11 real and 1 fake, and said, "I'll love u till the last one dies."

♥
The test of love is not when we are together. It comes when we are not together and realize that despite the distance, love is still there.

♥
No road is far if it leads to you.

♥
If dreaming is the only way to be with you,then I'll never open my eyes.

♥
I gave you a piece of paper with 'n ss!w !' written on it.It didn't meant anything to you, until you turned it upside-down.

♥
I'm in love with everything about you...the way you smile and the way you laugh. But most of all the way you make me smile and the way you make me laugh.

♥
I love my name- just because of how you say it.

I love the way you stare at me when you think I'm not looking.

I love the way you lean in close whenever I tell you something,even though we both know you heard me.

I love the sweet things you say to me, even when I'm screaming at you.

I love how you love me- and aren't afraid to show it.

I love how you make me want to be a better person than I ever thought I could be.

But mostly, I love you.

All the good things, all the bad, all the mistakes, all the surprises, all the imperfections, all of it...just because they're yours.

♥
If I had to choose between loving you and breathing. I would use my last breath to tell you

I LOVE YOU.

♥
I'm looking for a guy who will kiss me just before the traffic light turns green.

Who closes his eyes when he hugs me.

Who will patiently wait for me after class.

Who smells my hair every chance he gets.

Who will wipe my sweat with his hanky.

Who will sing my favorite song even if he can't carry a tune.

Who will let me rest over his shoulder.

Who will let me sleep on his lap, and will give me the 1st and last bite of his burger.

Who will squeeze my hand tighter when I squeeze his.

Who will make me feel special when everybody tries to put me down.

Who will love me for who I am.

Who will protect me when danger comes my way.

Who will cry when I leave him.

Someone who occupies my dream every night. When I find him I will never let him go.

♥
I cried last night. I was imagining my life without you. -Gabby(me)

♥
You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world.

- David Levesque -

♥

The Mysterious "Why?" Question

2008-09-30T00:49:00.000-04:00

Why?.... This is a question I am constantly asking myself....
Why did this happen to me? Why does this happen to her or him? Why can't things be better? Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why do other people do this? Why?
Almost none of these questions have answers. But yet we plow on with them anyway, asking more and more of them all of the time. Why do we ask more "why" questions when we don't have answers to the ones we have already asked?
We all ask "why" questions. But the real question is; Why do we ask these questions? As I am writing this there are hundreds of "why" questions floating around in my brain, but as I am writing that I keep asking myself "Why all of these "why" questions?" and for some reason I feel like I am jogging in circles, and I ask myself "Why did I even start this?" But as I am writing this I honestly think the whole time that I will be at my destination soon, not that I even know what that is.

What I am trying to say, for those not so capable of getting my hidden message, is that in writing this I was expecting to come to an answer to at least one of these questions. But in doing so I have only created more, and I seem to be in the same place I started in, if not worse. And as to not tire my brain out further with this now pointless blog, I will end with a "Good night" and a "Why do we say that?"

Love

2008-09-30T00:37:00.000-04:00

Love, what a sweet word.
I love to say it in place of a "farewell" or "see you later". We all have said it once in our lifetime and meant it. Whether it is about those amazing yellow pumps, or to our lovers. What does it really mean?

The meaning seems to change with the context it is used in."I love you" can mean you truly love this person and wish to spend the rest of your life with them, it can also mean "I love you as a friend" but us as a people are much to lazy to bother ourselves with that "lengthy" explanation, on that note it can be used with enormous amounts of sarcasm and in that case you don't really mean that at all, you can also say it with a laugh that means "you are silly, but I like that" but yet again we have no patience nor time to fully explain our true meaning behind those three powerful words. We simply leave free reign to whom we are saying this to or about, to interpret it how they will.
~You may be thinking right now that I am being a "wise ass" but I assure you that my intelligent talk is not in anyway demeaning to your usual typing style, I just simply wish to convey my interest on the subject discussed above in the most intelligent and correct way possible.~

Back to the subject at hand. Love, we use it all the time, it leaves us, we fall into it, it breaks us and heals us. Why do we love it?(pun intended) Because it makes us feel beautiful, special, real, amazing, high, super, or for lack of a better word, loved. Our attraction to it is unsatisfiable, to some people Valentines Day, the day of love itself, is nothing compared to every moment spent with their love.

I know this to be quite true. Our "need" for love drives us to do something, anything.While we are in love we can create inspiring art, song, dance, poetry, or chase something usually out of our reach, and it can make us believe in ourselves. Why do feel like this when we are in love? Because technically it releases a hormone in our brain that makes us feel almost "high", but mostly it is the fact that we feel like we have a place in this world. That suddenly everything seems to make just a little more sense, and the sad or bad things we used to dwell upon suddenly disappear.
I love being in love. I love telling people I am in love. I love telling people I am loved. I am here. I am important to some one. Someone would miss me if I were to leave, and it makes me want to stay here just a little but longer. Waste just a little more for them, just to try to convey your truest and deepest of feelings to them, even if only a little bit.

Under Attack

2008-09-30T00:33:00.000-04:00

Verbally attacking people seems like the better way to attack people nowadays. People say "you're stupid" "you're immature" to you and if they are close enough to you, you believe them.

My morals are that yelling doesn't help, and say what you mean and mean what you say. That means that if I yell at you for doing something wrong that isn't necessarily going to help you get better or be better. And saying what you mean, and meaning what you say may sound simple enough, but they are harder to do than you think....people may say I am blunt...no I am not, I am just saying what I mean. And I ALWAYS mean what I say, when I say so. Yea, I may joke, but it is never true if it is meant to hurt you.
When people verbally attack me I feel like I am being physically attacked. The walls around me close in. I feel claustrophobic, I start screaming hoping that it will discourage them. But they never notice, they think I am just trying to argue with them.
I hate yelling, I hate being told I am wrong when I know I am doing what is right for ME!, I hate people talking crap about other people. I believe people no matter what, it may be wrong, but I still do it, I just think people should be given the benefit of the doubt. I am very passionate about the people I love, I will do anything to protect them. Because I am afraid of loosing them. I won't loose them!
Please don't attack me, I know I do wrong, but attacking me only makes me back into a corner and cry. It doesn't help to overload me with stuff to do when I already have so much on my mind. You need to look past the stuff I always do wrong and see what I do right.

Don't laugh at me, it is just the same as calling me dumb, or slapping me in the face. It shows me that you have no respect for me, and if you have no respect for me you don't deserve to see the real me.

Just let me be, and let me handle it. I want to be able to say in the future that was able to do it.

My Feelings Last Night

2008-09-30T00:23:00.000-04:00

Do you know that feeling when you know you screwed up real bad and you hate yourself for it? Well I feel like that right now, but I know that the person that should be mad at me isn’t, and that just makes me feel worse.

This is the feeling I had last night, but I was too lazy and drained to post it then, so I am posting it now.

My Wall

2008-09-30T00:08:00.000-04:00

“I don’t care.” This is my wall. Don’t try to break it down because you will break me too. My wall protects me from caring to much and getting hurt, because I care, or just because I don’t want to tell someone my truest, deepest, darkest feelings that I have on the inside. I am afraid to loose the thing that means the most to me.
I hate when people don’t understand that I can’t handle being yelled at during stressful times. I can’t be loaded up or badgered, or I will combust internally and die. I feel, in those situations, that my head will explode, or my emotions will explode. I fear I will hurt someone and never fix that in the end.
I don’t want to regret anymore, my wall protects me from regret. I am so afraid, I am so angry, I am so lonely. I know I am not truly alone but I feel like I should be alone.
I care way too much, how do I stop caring? Help me to stop caring for real. Please! I need to be rescued, I feel like I am drowning. I know who can save me, but I don’t want them to have the responsibility of my life or emotions on his shoulders. I want to save him. That is the only way I can be saved myself.

My Explination

2008-09-29T16:00:00.000-04:00

I am sitting typing in my college's library, so the usual frustrated sighs I make when I can't think of something to write are absent. I wanted to explain that weird and sort of uncalled for post last night. I was going to post something but I had, had a hard day and I was emotionally drained so instead of typing, thinking, and correcting all night.

I decided to be lazy and free write for about an hour last night. Now today I was able to go and see my Psychiatrist today. I feel so much better because all I did the entire session was talk about everything I could think of that I have or had problems with in current time or in the past.

I was so happy to get all of that off of my chest because then I was able to feel just a little bit better. I really like my Psychiatrist because no matter what I say he understands and says it is okay that I feel a certain way but we should probably find a more healthy way of helping me. So I am beginning to explore different ways that are much more healthy for me. I really do appreciate his help.

On that note I probably should stop here for now because, even though I am trying, I am still making those frustrated noises and I am getting weird stares. And I am also seeing that the keyboard I am using is really loud and I tend to type very "harshly". And so I bid you, dear reader(s) farewell for now.

Sorry readers.

2008-09-28T20:52:00.000-04:00

I can't blog right now. My chest hurts so bad.

My Thoughts on Love

2008-09-28T00:51:00.000-04:00

We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in the foyer, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling into the picture of a spider on the wall, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much each of us means to the other.

~Every time I am around him my chest hurts because it knows that the heart that used to be there is close~ -Gabby

~All the words in the dictionary can tell exactly how I feel about him~ -Gabby

These phrases popped into my head as I was sitting on a bench, on a dock, in the rain waiting for him to come and see me. My hair was plastered to my face dripping fat water droplets onto my phone, ditsorting the picure. I couldn’t move until these thoughts were put somewhere where I could find them again. I was stuck to my seat, the rain getting harder every second, but I didn’t even notice the cold or the wetness.

I only saw the screen of my phone and the words I was trying to write on it. I am so happy to remember these phrases because maybe if he reads this and knows that I was diligently and loyally waiting for him in the poring rain for over an hour, and all I could think about was him. Maybe he will start to see exactly how much I truly care for him.

My Dream Of Snow

2008-09-27T01:22:00.000-04:00

I love snow, its sweet caress on my cheek making my face look like I have been crying small tears of cold ice. My heart aches to be like snow, beautiful and dangerous. I want to be able to make a man fall to his knees with one touch of my graceful white hands. I want to be able to hear all of the secrets whispered into the winter wind. I want to be able to bring couples closer together by just being there. People may think I am a hindrance but they are deep down actually glad that I came for I bring a time of celebration and togetherness. I want to be the snow.