Untitled Thought

Everytime that I just sit down and silently rant to my computer does good for me. I feel a little better knowing that it is in writting and that all I have to do is print it out if I ever wanted to show someone exactly how I felt at that moment and almost exactly what happened. Sometimes I forget little things like that. I can remember if a person was there but I could never tell you what their height, eye color, or clothes looked like. I hate that little quirk. I also like the fact that I could show this to anyone at any time, without having to actually say it. It is so much easier to write what you want than to actually say it out loud. I can say so much more and I can say it to much easier if it is on paper. or even just digital.

Love

Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called silly and that is the end of it. I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that. We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in his room, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much one means to the other.

Some Lyrics I Wrote

And they said love
they said forever
they said now
and together

They said I will be
Never again do i want to hear such lies
the lies
they tell to me

And they said love
they said why not
they said alot
and i fought
for you

They will never know
that i saw right through them
right through their lies
right through there fakness

And they said lies
through their stained teeth
forever we will be
forever u and me
all lies

in my face
hitting me
hurting me
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
you said you didn't mean to
you didn't want to
you didn't know

i know
you know
we know
you meant to hurt me
because you didn't tell me
when it started going downhill
when you started to not feel the same
did you ever feel the same as me

I loved you so
i never would have let you go
exceptyou wanted to go
and if your happy
then i'll let you go

All i wanted was for you to be happy
with or with out me
i'll learn to live
i love you so
i never tried to let you go
but i need to now

I never wannnted to say
I don't need you today
but im glad
i can say
loved you
even if only for a day

The Unnamable Woman

Therein the moonlight
look it is she
the one
they call her
the puppetier of the night
she pulls all of the strings that make the night
she rides the Night mare
she is the daughter of shadows and dreams
she makes the crickets chirp
the bushes rustle
the shadows move
the birds adjust
and she makes your mind
see things that aren't really there
she helps all of us overcome our inner fears as well
she makes and shapes our dreams so that we may see the inner meanings to our life
as well as maybe, if your lucky,she will show you a piece of your future in your dreams
the only thing you have to do is remember
and use what she gives you selectivly and wisely
do not get caught up in her or take her too seriously
she can fool and joke
she will overthrow you and you will never come back from her world

I Wrote This Forever Ago. But I'll Post It Now.

I hate this right now
I can’t log onto my blog to post this stuff
But I can’t get onto Myspace or Facebook either
I hate that
I need do to that stuff
To help m calm down
But I can’t if I can’t get to it
I hate this
I really need my internet music to help me calm down and be able to loose myself in it
There is nothing I can loose myself in anymore
I hate this
I am also afraid of being left
Again
I am afraid that since I have given all I can
That I will be thrown away
Because I have been used before
I have this fear
I hate having this fear
I want to believe that I won’t be thrown away after what happened
But it is really hard for me to believer that
I need to talk to someone
But I can’t
No one is ever available when I need them the most
They are all busy
Or tired
Or they don’t care
Or they are in trouble and can’t talk
I need someone
I really do
They came!
I am so happy!
They care!
But then they have to leave again
I hate that
I wish we just lived together
I hate this
I wish I wasn’t under their control anymore
I think that I make good decisions
I think that I am responsible
And that I am showing that
But it seems like the more responsible that I am
The more I get taken away
I don’t get this reasoning
I hate that reasoning
I hate this
I hate being like this
I really want to learn to type without looking at the keyboard
It is fairly hard but it is possible
And I can get through it fairly well
But I do go a bit slower that normal
But that is okay
If that is the price I have to pay
So be it!


I hate that they think that they can just take whatever they want away from me
Especially when I am becoming more responsible as we speak
I am showing them exactly how responsible I am
And I am getting everything taken away
My phone, My Computer, My internet, my freedom, my friends, my boyfriend, My Security, My contacts, My relaxation, My life
Everything is being taken away
And they are using petty excuses
Ones like “You think that having that kind of a cell phone bill will go unpunished?”
Well I am being punished for it
I have to pay most of the bill!
And this whole computer thing
Is way off the wall
My sister had a fight with my parents….I get my internet taken away?
I have to let my grades suffer?
Because of my sister being a grouch?
And I also have to stand there when he jumps on her?
I am not allowed to swear? I get grounded for a week for swearing?
A WEEK!?
Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me…idk
I don’t know what is going on in this house anymore.
I really don’t get anyone’s thought process anymore
I really don’t know where they are pulling this stuff from
Usually I get a day or two grounded because of swearing
Never a week
And I apologized for it too
But I must be punished harshly for something because I am more responsible?
Somehow that makes no sense to me
Does it make sense to anyone else?
I’m not really sure
But I don’t see how it could

I think that the word freedom is not ever completely understood
I think that true freedom doesn’t exist
Just like perfection
It can be said and thought of
But it is never truly accomplished.

New Years Resolutions!

1. Blog more.
2. Live life knowing that I am cared for by someone.
3. Say that I am beautiful and mean it.
4. Stop nagging on myself and just relax.
5. Get rid of my anxiety problem.

What about you? What are your resolutions?

Christmas

I love Christmas.
It is my favorite holiday.
Simply because of the cheer and togetherness it brings with it
Of course I don't hate the presents either,
But that is not the only reason I love that holiday.
I love it for many reasons.
One of the first reasons is that you receive as well as give gifts, so no one will feel guilty.
I like my birthdays, but you always walk away thinking that you should have given your guests something more in exchange for the amazing presents that they gave you.
Another thing that I love is that the mood of everyone get lifted.
I love snow, and the silence that it brings.
Have you ever just stood outside while it was snowing?
It sounds like there is a blanket over your ears, everything is quieter.
I love that, I also love the invigoration you feel when the chill air hits your lungs with a cold blast that makes you go, "OH!"
I also love the break you get from school when that time of year rolls around, but doesn't everyone love that?
I love icicles, thick ones you find hanging from the edge of your house, and porch railings, I love to find clear ones and either suck on them or have sword fight with them.
Snowball fights are always fun in the winter as well!
I love making the fort that is never tall enough when you finally start the fight.
I just love that whole time of year, the crunch of snow under my shoes, the smell of warm food baking slowly in the oven, the weekend movies curled up under tons of blankets, and even the feel of a warm fireplace, when available.
There are so many desirable things about winter and Christmas.
I forgot, I love Christmas carols, I absolutely love them. They bring warmth, cheer, and happy feelings with them no matter when they are played.

Getting Out

I love my college classes.
They are an excuse to get out of my house.
I hate being there
I feel presured to never stop working on something
I feel like relaxation time doesn't exist.
And if I need a brake I get yelled at, nagged, cornered, and told mean things to.
For some reason I don't think that that is right.
But one question is there that I want to pose.
How are you supposed to react to being cornered?
Am I supposed to just sit there?
No, I think that we have that animal-like intsinct to get that threat out of your face and fight back.
I don't know.
I know it isn't right to fight back with your parents and I try and deny that instinct as much as possible.
But wouldn't it be so much easier if everyone knew when to get out of someones face, and if everyone knew how much a person can take.
Then there would be no more accidental hurting of someone.

So I want to get out.
Get out of my house that is.
I want to leave.
I really wish I could
I would have moved out a week ago
If I could
I really hate the pressures that I have to go through.
I really wish I could just walk out that door
I have no money though
And no place to go
And I am to chicken for now.

I don't hate my parents, don't get me wrong
I just don't think that it is all that good that I still live here.
I can deal with them.
But not so much all day everyday.

Love, Again!

Love is such a hard thing.

It is hard to get.

Hard to keep.

Hard to find.

Hard to know if it is true.

Hard to feel.

Hard to know if you even have it.

~

I would like to think that I know that what I have is the best it can get.And it is definitly the best I have had in my life.But I believe that love for life is the love you are satisfied with and that you never want to try and find something better, because you truly don't think that there is anything better.That is the answer that I am trying to find right now.I know that I am the happiest I have ever been.But I do know that there may be something better out there.But I can't see what.So I have made my descion, I never want to try and find something better.Because I hanestly don't think that there is something like that.I love him.And I want to stay like that always.

2 things; Sorry and Thank You!

I would like to write about 2 things tonight.

1. I would like to apologize to everyone who reads my blog. I am sorry that I haven't been writing lately.

The reason for this is the fact that my parents have taken away my Internet.

And the only way for me to blog is by sneaking (as I am now) or by going on at college.

I am going to try and finding ways to blog more if I can but I apologize for any delay.

~

2. I would also like to tell everyone who has ever commented on any of my blogs.

Thank You!

Everything that everyone has said has been so kind!

I really becme speechless when I read these kind things. I appreciate any feedback at all, and seeing that all of these people like what I write puts me on the verge of tears everytime.

So, thank you!