I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.

Why don't I entirely believe him.

But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.

It may help him, but it will only hurt me.

I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.

I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.

I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.

I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.

I am scared.

I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.

But what can I do?

I can't stop myself from having doubts.

But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.

I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.

Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.

I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.

I feel uplifted, and happy.

I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

A Few Of My Fears

I have a major fear of loosing everything and everyone close to me, of being abandoned. It is hard for me to depend on someone wholly but when I do and they leave.

I crash, I fall.

You can yell at me for this but it is only the truth.

If I depend on you for something, just please don't leave.

I also have a fear of spiders, bugs, and anything that could get in my clothes and sting me.

I think that the reason for this is the fact that when I was little I went and wanted to rescue a little harmless black spider that was in our hallway. I picked it up and started to carry it towards the door and about 3/4 of the way there all of the sudden that little harmless black spider bit my them and ran away.

I guess the saying "Once bitten, Twice shy." applies here.