Update

Lately I have been having a lot of stress directed towards me because of a debt that I have. I also have no job so it takes a really long time for me to earn anything.
My anxiety problems are acting up as well it is really hard for me not to freak out. And all of this is causing physical problems for me as well. It is really hard. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this. I haven't been able to do any writing lately because of my college classes. I have a computer class that seems pointless to me. I wish they had a test to see if you knew how to use a computer. Then if you got a certain score then you wouldn't have to take the class. Because I think that it is pointless and a waste of money to take that class if you know everything in it.
I have my psychiatrist appointment today and I am going to try and see if I can go and ask him a bunch of questions and see if I can get to a point where I don't need him anymore. Or I can at least get a better medication for my anxiety. I really don't know what I am going to do if I can't see my boyfriend.


I for got to mention. I am grounded. I think I will be for about a month. It is a long story, and one that I would rather not go into on a public site. But the gyste of it is that I am grounded and I can only see my boyfriend during classes. It really sucks because he can help me calm down and relax whenever I need to. I will try my best to make it through this time. But it is REALLY hard.

I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.

Why don't I entirely believe him.

But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.

It may help him, but it will only hurt me.

I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.

I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.

I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.

I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.

I am scared.

I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.

But what can I do?

I can't stop myself from having doubts.

But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.

I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.

Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.

I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.

I feel uplifted, and happy.

I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

I Am Afraid

I am so scared.

Scared he will realize that a life without me in it is better.

People say he won't, but that is so hard for me to believe.

I want to believe them.

But I am afraid.

Afraid that I will move on, but I know I won't ever.

Afraid that someone will use me.

Afraid that if I don't have the saying "I have a boyfriend" to hide behind I will be taken over.

I am so afraid of being lost.

I am confused as to why their can't be a middle ground.

I am confused as to why we can't be together still but not see each other as much.

I am scared I did something wrong.

I am afraid that I said something wrong.

I want to know if "taking a break" will really help, or if it will just make it worse.

I am afraid of loosing him.

My Thoughts on Love

Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called "silly" and that is the end of it.
I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person, and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that.

We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in the foyer, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling into the picture of a spider on the wall, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much each of us means to the other.

~Every time I am around him my chest hurts because it knows that the heart that used to be there is close~ -Gabby

~All the words in the dictionary can tell exactly how I feel about him~ -Gabby

These phrases popped into my head as I was sitting on a bench, on a dock, in the rain waiting for him to come and see me. My hair was plastered to my face dripping fat water droplets onto my phone, ditsorting the picure. I couldn’t move until these thoughts were put somewhere where I could find them again. I was stuck to my seat, the rain getting harder every second, but I didn’t even notice the cold or the wetness.

I only saw the screen of my phone and the words I was trying to write on it. I am so happy to remember these phrases because maybe if he reads this and knows that I was diligently and loyally waiting for him in the poring rain for over an hour, and all I could think about was him. Maybe he will start to see exactly how much I truly care for him.