Voices In My Head

Those voices in my head
That is what everyone calls them
I hate them
They tell me to do mean things
I will not listen to them
I will not
I will not give in
I can’t
The horrible things that they want me to do
I can’t stand it
And when I don’t listen
They torture me
They show me the things that I could do
I can't take those visions
They hurt me
I can’t hurt the ones that I love
I will not hurt the ones that I love

My Day, And Some Of My Life

I had a great day today. Me and my boyfriend had a great time being together. Just us being together makes us feel great. We make each others days. Tomorrow we are going to have a movie marathon of sorts. It is going to be cool! He got his new sterio system in today! It really was fun. We were driving home blasting Rob Zombie all over the place! It was so much fun!

Sometimes me and him don't have a good day but then we talk to each other, and we feel so much better. We have that kind of effect on each other. I love him. I really do. I love spending time with him and see the amazing smile that lights up his face when I do somethin stupid. But most of all I love the look he gives me when we are just sitting side by side and I glance at him and try my hardest to tell him how much I love him without words, and I start to cry with that overwhelming emotion. And he gets a look on his face that talls me that ne matter what I do or say, he will still love me and want to protect me untill the end.

I care for him so deeply. His family treats me as one of their own.

I also love the fact that he is just as mentally messed up as I am. It makes me hoot with laughter when I think about all of the completely insane things that we do together. We can also confide in each other when we had a bad illusion, waking nightmare, nightmare, or fear. But we also confide our dreams, and hopes in each other. That is a quality I love. I also love that no matter how many little tiffs we may have we come out loving each other the same, if not even more.

I love him, and that is really all their is to say.

Writing, My Life

As well as music being a very large part of my life is writing. I love to get all I can out on paper or on the Internet. I love being able to say whatever I want in my journal. I never get yelled at for cursing, never get argued with, never interrupted by some other person's thoughts. It is amazing what can come out of my brain through my arm and down into my fingers finally coming out on the tip of my pencil or pen. I love the feeling of accomplishing something like that. I love being able to just "dump" everything on my mind onto something that won't comment back and won't judge me. It makes me feel so much calmer and freer.

I love being able to tell my darkest dreams, my private thoughts, the extent of my love for people. Who I truly care about, and just the things that other people might become frightened if they happened to read them.

I also love to write on the Internet, like I am now. I love having people tell me that I am good at writing or that I have good ideas. I love to inspire people and affect people. I love showing off. I love that I can argue with some one and not be worried that they will judge me on looks or try to punch me.

I can let my thoughts flow freely.

I can be liberated.

I am not limited by the amount of people I know but by the amount of people that read this.

On that note, music and writing are important to me but there is much more that makes me, me. I will write about those too, whether now or later.

My Wall

“I don’t care.” This is my wall. Don’t try to break it down because you will break me too. My wall protects me from caring to much and getting hurt, because I care, or just because I don’t want to tell someone my truest, deepest, darkest feelings that I have on the inside. I am afraid to loose the thing that means the most to me.
I hate when people don’t understand that I can’t handle being yelled at during stressful times. I can’t be loaded up or badgered, or I will combust internally and die. I feel, in those situations, that my head will explode, or my emotions will explode. I fear I will hurt someone and never fix that in the end.
I don’t want to regret anymore, my wall protects me from regret. I am so afraid, I am so angry, I am so lonely. I know I am not truly alone but I feel like I should be alone.
I care way too much, how do I stop caring? Help me to stop caring for real. Please! I need to be rescued, I feel like I am drowning. I know who can save me, but I don’t want them to have the responsibility of my life or emotions on his shoulders. I want to save him. That is the only way I can be saved myself.