My Confusion

I am so freaking confused.

I hate being this way.

I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have had so much going on lately.

And the second I start to blog again I am so freaking confused.

People are telling me things about a person, that I care about, that I don't want to know.

But I hear what they are saying and I listen, I don't like what I hear all of the time, but I still listen.

Right now I just need to laugh and smile and enjoy life.

It is hard but I will try, dear readers, I will try.

I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.

Why don't I entirely believe him.

But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.

It may help him, but it will only hurt me.

I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.

I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.

I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.

I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.

I am scared.

I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.

But what can I do?

I can't stop myself from having doubts.

But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.

I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.

Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.

I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.

I feel uplifted, and happy.

I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

My Thougts On Fall

I love this time of year.

Fall. The smells, the colors the sights, the nights, the fires, the pumkins, everything.

Fall comes second only to Winter in my eyes.

But I love the silence at night, no chirping crickets, no heat.

I love the smell of perfectly ripe apples and cinnamon, the sharpness of cilled cider, and the smell of pumkin guts on carving days.

I love the keleidaskope of colors that are created within the limbs of trees.

I love to hug a dear one close in the chill wind, and seeing them laugh with their cheeks numb and red makes me happy.

I feel creative in the fall, I feel safe in the fall.

I feel loved, and warm in the fall.

I feel free in the fall.

But soon winter will come and I will be sad that autumn is leaving but I will be glad of the sharp cold, and silence that winter brings.

Halloween Costume?

Okay, so I didn't break anything.

But I really wanted to.

So I was starting to wonder what I should be for Haloween, because It is only like 29 days away.

And I strted to think of what I really wanted to be, and I noticed that I don't know.

But right now I really am in a fall mood, my room smells like apples and cinamon from my candle in a jar.

So, I though of a few ideas for Halloween and I am going to have a poll to see what people think I should wear.

1. Pirate

2. Vampire*

3. Gothic Lolita (google it if you don't know)

4. Dog

5. Cat

6. Dead Bride

7. Dead prom date

8. Murderer victim

I am going to stop there because now they are just getting a little weird.

So tell me if you like any of these or any other suggestions you may have.

*= I really like this one.

Why Am I Mad?

I am so freaking mad right now and there is no particular reason for this.

I am not mad at anyone in particular.

I just feel like killing something or tearing something into pieces and throwing them all over.

I am listening to that new Pink song about getting in a fight, and it is totally getting my blood boiling.

I am blasting the music out of my sound system in me room, my parents are probably going to come in here soon and yell at me to turn it down.

But I am not sure I will.

I feel awesome and powerful!
It is slightly scary, but I am not going to question it for now.

So if I don't post for a while it is because I punched either my computer or I punched something else important and got the computer taken away.

This probably wasn't written very well, and I apologize, but I just had to get this out there.

I said that would post everything no matter haw mushy or dark they got, well violent falls under that as well.

I Am Afraid

I am so scared.

Scared he will realize that a life without me in it is better.

People say he won't, but that is so hard for me to believe.

I want to believe them.

But I am afraid.

Afraid that I will move on, but I know I won't ever.

Afraid that someone will use me.

Afraid that if I don't have the saying "I have a boyfriend" to hide behind I will be taken over.

I am so afraid of being lost.

I am confused as to why their can't be a middle ground.

I am confused as to why we can't be together still but not see each other as much.

I am scared I did something wrong.

I am afraid that I said something wrong.

I want to know if "taking a break" will really help, or if it will just make it worse.

I am afraid of loosing him.

Masquerade

Everyone is in a masquerade today, we are all wearing masks today.

My mask is a one of happiness, and fearlessness.

Today everyone is okay, only because they say so.

Today we are fine, but tomorrow we will wake up and realise that it was all just a party for one night and that it is all over.

We will all cry that our masks must come off for now.

But there are a select few who keep their masks on all of the time, day and night.

And those people, when they come to the masquerade, are thrown out because no body knows that it really is a mask.

They think that they are being mocked if someone came in with their real face on.

I am wearing my mask tonight, but tomorrow it must come off.

It must!

A Few Of My Fears

I have a major fear of loosing everything and everyone close to me, of being abandoned. It is hard for me to depend on someone wholly but when I do and they leave.

I crash, I fall.

You can yell at me for this but it is only the truth.

If I depend on you for something, just please don't leave.

I also have a fear of spiders, bugs, and anything that could get in my clothes and sting me.

I think that the reason for this is the fact that when I was little I went and wanted to rescue a little harmless black spider that was in our hallway. I picked it up and started to carry it towards the door and about 3/4 of the way there all of the sudden that little harmless black spider bit my them and ran away.

I guess the saying "Once bitten, Twice shy." applies here.

Writing, My Life

As well as music being a very large part of my life is writing. I love to get all I can out on paper or on the Internet. I love being able to say whatever I want in my journal. I never get yelled at for cursing, never get argued with, never interrupted by some other person's thoughts. It is amazing what can come out of my brain through my arm and down into my fingers finally coming out on the tip of my pencil or pen. I love the feeling of accomplishing something like that. I love being able to just "dump" everything on my mind onto something that won't comment back and won't judge me. It makes me feel so much calmer and freer.

I love being able to tell my darkest dreams, my private thoughts, the extent of my love for people. Who I truly care about, and just the things that other people might become frightened if they happened to read them.

I also love to write on the Internet, like I am now. I love having people tell me that I am good at writing or that I have good ideas. I love to inspire people and affect people. I love showing off. I love that I can argue with some one and not be worried that they will judge me on looks or try to punch me.

I can let my thoughts flow freely.

I can be liberated.

I am not limited by the amount of people I know but by the amount of people that read this.

On that note, music and writing are important to me but there is much more that makes me, me. I will write about those too, whether now or later.

Music, My Life

To me music is a sense of freedom and self expression. It calms me and heals me. It makes me want to get up and dance, sing, and just let go of all of my inhabitions. I don't think I could live without it. I depend on it to calm me down when I am nervous or frustrated. I need it to go to asleep and to wake up. I live and breathe music, if I am not playing it in my computer then I am making it on my piano. I love to try new forms of music all of the time. Just recently I learned how to do a basic beat on the drums. I love learning about music. The music my love makes when he is waisting time is so beautiful that I have to choke back my tears. I love hearing things that stir up my emotions so strongly that I want to just get up and do something.

I love the feel of a heavy bass guitar vibrating through my bones.

I love the sweet song that an acustic guitar makes.

I love the beat that drums can keep and how it seems to hold a song together.

I love the wild sound you can get and make on a keyboard, you can get anything from doorbellls to drums to a cat to a trumpet.

I love the calming sound that the piano can make, I love playing this in public, swaying to the music I make. But my secret is that I make most of them up on the spot.

I love music.

It heals me.

It makes me want to dance,

and sing.

I love the feeling I get in the deepest parts of my chest when I hear good music.

Music is my life and part of me.