Sunday, December 28, 2008

I Wrote This Forever Ago. But I'll Post It Now.

I hate this right now
I can’t log onto my blog to post this stuff
But I can’t get onto Myspace or Facebook either
I hate that
I need do to that stuff
To help m calm down
But I can’t if I can’t get to it
I hate this
I really need my internet music to help me calm down and be able to loose myself in it
There is nothing I can loose myself in anymore
I hate this
I am also afraid of being left
I am afraid that since I have given all I can
That I will be thrown away
Because I have been used before
I have this fear
I hate having this fear
I want to believe that I won’t be thrown away after what happened
But it is really hard for me to believer that
I need to talk to someone
But I can’t
No one is ever available when I need them the most
They are all busy
Or tired
Or they don’t care
Or they are in trouble and can’t talk
I need someone
I really do
They came!
I am so happy!
They care!
But then they have to leave again
I hate that
I wish we just lived together
I hate this
I wish I wasn’t under their control anymore
I think that I make good decisions
I think that I am responsible
And that I am showing that
But it seems like the more responsible that I am
The more I get taken away
I don’t get this reasoning
I hate that reasoning
I hate this
I hate being like this
I really want to learn to type without looking at the keyboard
It is fairly hard but it is possible
And I can get through it fairly well
But I do go a bit slower that normal
But that is okay
If that is the price I have to pay
So be it!

I hate that they think that they can just take whatever they want away from me
Especially when I am becoming more responsible as we speak
I am showing them exactly how responsible I am
And I am getting everything taken away
My phone, My Computer, My internet, my freedom, my friends, my boyfriend, My Security, My contacts, My relaxation, My life
Everything is being taken away
And they are using petty excuses
Ones like “You think that having that kind of a cell phone bill will go unpunished?”
Well I am being punished for it
I have to pay most of the bill!
And this whole computer thing
Is way off the wall
My sister had a fight with my parents….I get my internet taken away?
I have to let my grades suffer?
Because of my sister being a grouch?
And I also have to stand there when he jumps on her?
I am not allowed to swear? I get grounded for a week for swearing?
Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me…idk
I don’t know what is going on in this house anymore.
I really don’t get anyone’s thought process anymore
I really don’t know where they are pulling this stuff from
Usually I get a day or two grounded because of swearing
Never a week
And I apologized for it too
But I must be punished harshly for something because I am more responsible?
Somehow that makes no sense to me
Does it make sense to anyone else?
I’m not really sure
But I don’t see how it could

I think that the word freedom is not ever completely understood
I think that true freedom doesn’t exist
Just like perfection
It can be said and thought of
But it is never truly accomplished.

New Years Resolutions!

1. Blog more.
2. Live life knowing that I am cared for by someone.
3. Say that I am beautiful and mean it.
4. Stop nagging on myself and just relax.
5. Get rid of my anxiety problem.

What about you? What are your resolutions?