Monday, April 20, 2009

Scream from Within

A scream in the night
One of pain
One of fear
One that pleads to be helped
Make it stop

The screaming never stops

From a corner
From around the bend
From within

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Hidden Storm

Caught in the storm
Never seeming to end
Wanting and end for it
Will it ever come?
I don’t think so

This storm within a brain
A tortured brain
Tortured by itself and
A painful past

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Where I'm From

I am from water,
I am from good food, and Italian aromas
I am from the red clay.
From cats and dogs
I am from the pages of a book,
From history and celebrity

I am from tomato sauce and spaghetti,
From tales long and old
I am from Godfather and Scarface,
From blankets and sewing
I am from a war and an attack,
A change and advancement,
As well as old things

I am from books,
Pages leafed so many times the edges fall off,
From so many stories I can tell you
I am from troubled times,
New age advances,
And a feeling of hopelessness

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Voices In My Head

Those voices in my head
That is what everyone calls them
I hate them
They tell me to do mean things
I will not listen to them
I will not
I will not give in
I can’t
The horrible things that they want me to do
I can’t stand it
And when I don’t listen
They torture me
They show me the things that I could do
I can't take those visions
They hurt me
I can’t hurt the ones that I love
I will not hurt the ones that I love

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Story Of A Teen Girl

I saw her.
She was looking down.
Her face was obscured by her jet black hair that was flapping in the wind, and the high collar of her red knitted sweater. She was looking down at her hands which were folded at her abdomen. Her thumb was making circles on her lower stomach. For an instant I was able to see her mouth. Her lips were formed into a soft, loving, but small smile. Then I knew. What I had just witnessed was motherly love at it’s earliest and most tender moment.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Cool New Singer I Found!
This is the myspace page for The Leano, a british singer. His songs are amazing! I wrote up lyrics for his first song, Smile.

The Leano

Intro (talking):
This is dedicated,
To all the smiley people in the world.
So whatever age, creed, color
I want every single person to raise a smile
(faint laughing)
It’s simple
And it goes…

Verse 1:
Forget the screw face
Here’s a new face
Tie the corners of your lips to your ears with a shoe lace

Let me see the white or yellow of your teeth shine
Or work out for the mighty muscles on your cheek line
Stretching back the seam like you had a face lift
A golden opportunity
There’s no need to waste it
A chance
To ease the ties from your forehead
Even the stresses of the world
outside on your doorstep
Are prized surprise as your lips will rise
To make an eclipse
One between the dips of your eyes
The strangest surprise will occur in your neighbor
Vibe travels like illness in a shop
More addictive than any drug sold on the corner
Internationally supplied
Across all borders
What was set you to see
What was set to you new own
Is one in the same thing but the method is known

It goes

Push your cheeks back
Do what I do
Let your teeth shine
It’s good for you
For the vibe grow quicker in this room
And we’ll keep on smiling ‘till the love consumes

2,3, and

Verse 2:
Let the fabric of your face gain creases
Turn a frown upside down through the rumble of the speakers
I came
To bring a yoga lesson for your features
Cheeks grow taunt like the freshest of peaches
Let the windows of your soul stand ajar
Are a band-aid for the wounds and untreated scars
If you’re afraid
Listen close you are bound to laugh
‘Till “Ding!” between your lips a showbiz spark
The universal signal for survival
Rich or broke,
The light for the darkness
The prize for an eye is when life is a heart stress
Lips prize apart
Creating the sparkles
Let the worries of the world melt away
Bring the glory to the world in your personal way
Let it grow from the center of your soul
We’re one in the same
Please let it be known

It goes

Push your cheeks back
Do what I do
Let your teeth shine
It’s good for you
For the vibe grow quicker in this room
And we’ll keep on smiling ‘till the love consumes

It goes
It goes smile
It goes smile yes
It goes smile

Sunday, February 8, 2009


Pills, pills
So many pills
All colors
Like skittles
The wrong pills
Crying, worrying

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

My Other New Blog!

Hey everyone, please check out my other blog all about my photography! It is at

Monday, February 2, 2009


Well as I was writing that last blog there were these two girls sitting behind me at another computer, and I was typing away when all of the sudden one of them loudly states that some guy they were talking about was going to jail. Then the other one states just as loudly that she is going to add him as a friend on facebook. Now I think they just wanted everyone to know that they know him. I mean they wanted everyone in the room to hear. They were speaking almost as if they were talking to the ENTIRE room. It was really obnoxious.

Now I have no problems with talking about things like that in a public space. But that was simply disrespectful. And if anyone agrees with me or even reads this and disagrees. Please tell me your thoughts as to why you think this or that.


Lately I have been having a lot of stress directed towards me because of a debt that I have. I also have no job so it takes a really long time for me to earn anything.
My anxiety problems are acting up as well it is really hard for me not to freak out. And all of this is causing physical problems for me as well. It is really hard. I wish there was a way for me to get out of this. I haven't been able to do any writing lately because of my college classes. I have a computer class that seems pointless to me. I wish they had a test to see if you knew how to use a computer. Then if you got a certain score then you wouldn't have to take the class. Because I think that it is pointless and a waste of money to take that class if you know everything in it.
I have my psychiatrist appointment today and I am going to try and see if I can go and ask him a bunch of questions and see if I can get to a point where I don't need him anymore. Or I can at least get a better medication for my anxiety. I really don't know what I am going to do if I can't see my boyfriend.

I for got to mention. I am grounded. I think I will be for about a month. It is a long story, and one that I would rather not go into on a public site. But the gyste of it is that I am grounded and I can only see my boyfriend during classes. It really sucks because he can help me calm down and relax whenever I need to. I will try my best to make it through this time. But it is REALLY hard.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Poem About Writing Poems

Two lines can rhyme
Along in time
As long as the aren’t unsightly

So pick up your pencil, computer, or pen
And make sure you write them rightly

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The Sad Day

I was sitting at the table in the kitchen staring down the darkened hall. Listening for any clue as to what was being said down there. The television was flashing images and they were moving but during the glances that I gave the screen nothing registered. I loved this show. But some how it’s entertainment eluded me. I grabbed the remote, muting it so that I could hear down the hall better. The microwave beeped telling me that the tomato soup in there was ready. But I didn’t think that we were going to be eating it anytime soon. For I had a very good clue as to what was being said down the hall. And by the occasional sniffle my fears were being confirmed more every second. Then he came back down the hall. The worried and tense face that he had born going down the hall was gone. He was half walking half stumbling down the hall towards me. And his eyes were beginning to redden. He was on the verge of tears. I walked up to him not saying a word for I knew that if he wanted me to know the news he would tell me. He took a ragged breath in and said, “H-he’s gone.” In an instant I had my arms around him in an embrace that I would have never let go of if I didn’t have to. But I did, and I looked up at his face.

We had been in the kitchen cooking a lunch of grilled cheese and tomato soup when his mother had informed him that his dearest grandfather had been rushed to the hospital. A look of deep concern came over his face, and he became sullen and brooding. I told myself that it was going to be okay. This happened all the time right? But I didn’t want to voice that in case I was wrong. We finished preparing our meal in a tense silence. Then his father came into the living room adjacent to the kitchen and asked for my worried chef to follow him down into the depressing and dismal hallway to conduct their meeting.

His Grandfather had passed. “He was rushed to the hospital and when they got there his blood pressure just dropped.” he stuttered with half gasping breathes to me. “I knew it was going to happen eventually, he had Parkinson’s.”
I understood. Just because you knew something was coming it didn’t soften the blow at all.
He began to cry; tears traveling down his face. I knew that those were only the first of many tears that would be running down his face that day and for the days to come.
I clung to his large frame trying to hold him up, physically and emotionally. He wasn’t breaking just yet. I knew that. These tears were only tears of shock. It only got worse from here on.

Then he stopped crying. He motioned that we should finish our meal. I just went along with him, opposing him at this point would be the worst thing that I could do. But the soup did nothing for me as I was eating it. I had lost all of my appetite with the grim news. But I feigned hunger for his sake. After he finished eating his soup in silence he got up and began to clean off the table.
He turned to me and said, “I’m going to do the dishes.”
I nodded, “Alright”

So I just sat in my chair swirling my spoon around in my soup; pretending to eat it whenever he glanced at me, which he didn’t.
Then he looked at me and said, “Do you really want to help?”
Of course I did anything to keep this silence from being awkward.
I walked up to the sink and grabbed a towel and a wet pan and began to dry it. We kept this up for a while, him trying not to cry or face reality. I was trying to watch him and make sure that I was there instant that a tear fell from his eye to wrap my arms around him. Every once in a while he would stop scrubbing to stare at the pan. A look on his eyes made me wonder if soap swirls on a pan could give him the answers he was looking for at the moment. Then he looked at me and said, “My dad got this brush for me. Me and my brother went through a faze where we couldn’t stop making lemonade. And there was no way for us to clean it. It was too narrow. So my dad bought me this.” He said this as he waved his wand like brush in the air. “It also works really well for my Guinness glass. It gets cleaner if I do it than if I put it in the dishwasher.”
I nodded in confirmation. He was rambling, doing anything to keep his mind on anything but the dreadful truth.

Then he paused, bracing himself on the sinks edge. I tensed, ready to embrace him if he started to sob. But he didn’t, “He lived through so much,” he said, getting back to doing the dishes in front of him. He was quickly running out of dishes. “He got to see so much, he remembered…” The rest was lost to me because he began to mumble, then he began to speak clearer, “Well, he saw the first African-American man elected to be our president, that was a good thing.”

I smiled and agreed with him. He wasn’t mad about him leaving at least. He was remembering the good times and the great life he had had.
He had also started to cry again. But I knew that he was on a mission to clean all of the dishes, so I didn’t touch him.
Once he finished cleaning, he looked like he needed something to do. But there was nothing left.

Then his father came back into the living room. His eyes were red, but his voice was even. David walked out to see him and talk with him in the living room. This was a personal moment. I just stood in front of the sink with my head hung. Giving the grieving men their privacy and trying to remain invisible as to not disturb them. They said a few words and then embraced. His father made his way down stairs. No doubt to tell his wife. David turned to me then. I noticed that he wasn’t going to hold out much longer. So I went up to him and hugged him. He began to cry almost at once. He didn’t utter a single word. He just cried, letting out an occasional choke. I clung to him whispering that I was there for him and that it was going to be okay.

His crying began to subside once again. He was trying his best to hold it all in and be strong. I knew that his efforts weren’t going to hold out forever. He slowly pulled away from me and wandered around the kitchen looking for things to do. There was nothing. Their house was spotless like always. Then he just leaned his back against the counter top sighing and starting to cry again, but more silent this time. I walked up to him, stood next to him, and put my hand over his. We remained like that for a little while then he grabbed me and pulled me into a hug. I didn’t refuse, he knew what he needed. After a moment if standing like that, he pulled away and looked at me. “I’m going to go down there and talk with my dad for a moment.” I nodded and agreed. He sort of stumbled his way to and down the stairs. The second that he disappeared I walked down into his room. I knew that he would want to go there next, it was more private. So I walked in and proceeded to clean off his bed so that there was nothing that he had to do to collapse onto it. After I finished I sat at the edge of his bed and thought for a moment or to.

This didn’t seem real. I thought about how unfair it was that this had to happen now, when he was so young and getting to be happy with me. I also thought about his face when he came down from the hall. It broke my heart and I struggled to keep the tears from coming to my eyes. I had to be strong. I had to be strong for him. I would cry later, when I was alone, he didn’t need someone to cry with; he needed someone to comfort him. He came into the room. I only knew because he was fairly loud when he walked around the house. He sort of stood in the doorway for a minute. I wiped my eyes and turned to look at him. He looked at me, but it felt like he didn’t even see me, and then he walked over to the bed and just sort of fell onto it. Clambered on to the bed and hugged him before the tears came. But I wasn’t quick enough, they came now. They were thick and heavy and the sight of him being hurt so much made me want to cry but I held that instinct back for him. After his original sobbing began to subside; I drew away and wiped his eyes and kissed his face, telling him that I loved him and that I was here for him.
“I have to be strong for my dad; he is the strong one usually. It is my turn to be the strong one.” I didn’t think that either of them could be any stronger.
“You are so strong. I admire your strength, especially right now.”
He looked at me almost puzzled, “How am I strong?”
“Look at you, you are keeping it together. But at the same time you have great strength by showing this side of you to me.”
He let a small smile come to his lips.
We held each other in silence and thought. I laid flat on my back and looked at the ceiling. I thought about the unfairness of it all and was sad. It was so hard to hold the tears back. A few got through, but I wiped them away as soon as possible so that he would not see them. I turned to look at him and make sure that he didn’t know. He was just staring at the ceiling, tears slowly falling out of his eyes and onto his bed sheets. I began to wipe them gently away from his face. He closed his eyes, as if I was soothing him. I kissed his eyelids and his cheeks and his forehead.
He turned to me and said, “Please don’t ever leave me.”
I almost laughed, “Baby, I could never leave you even if I wanted to.”
“Promise me?”
A small smile came to my lips, “I will never leave you.” I promised, and I meant it with all of my heart.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


Please go to the site and do what you can to help!

Monday, January 19, 2009

A Sad Day

Why do all the worst things happen to the people who I love the most. A friend of mine just had a realative very close to him die. I was with him when he got the news. And seeing someone just break down like that really makes you upset. I was crying also and I didn't even know him. Then he started talking about all the things that his relative had lived through. It was so sad but so kind to hear. He really loved the relative of his. I am sorry for his loss.

I wish I could help his family in some way. I held him while he cried but I want to make his whole family smile and remember all the good memories. I want them to celebrate his life and not mourne his death. I think that a death should be remembered but not dwelled apon.

I send my regrets to the family but I also send my love and friendship. And help if ever needed. I also send the message of love and happiness, for without it we would all be lost.

Friday, January 16, 2009

My Day, And Some Of My Life

I had a great day today. Me and my boyfriend had a great time being together. Just us being together makes us feel great. We make each others days. Tomorrow we are going to have a movie marathon of sorts. It is going to be cool! He got his new sterio system in today! It really was fun. We were driving home blasting Rob Zombie all over the place! It was so much fun!

Sometimes me and him don't have a good day but then we talk to each other, and we feel so much better. We have that kind of effect on each other. I love him. I really do. I love spending time with him and see the amazing smile that lights up his face when I do somethin stupid. But most of all I love the look he gives me when we are just sitting side by side and I glance at him and try my hardest to tell him how much I love him without words, and I start to cry with that overwhelming emotion. And he gets a look on his face that talls me that ne matter what I do or say, he will still love me and want to protect me untill the end.

I care for him so deeply. His family treats me as one of their own.

I also love the fact that he is just as mentally messed up as I am. It makes me hoot with laughter when I think about all of the completely insane things that we do together. We can also confide in each other when we had a bad illusion, waking nightmare, nightmare, or fear. But we also confide our dreams, and hopes in each other. That is a quality I love. I also love that no matter how many little tiffs we may have we come out loving each other the same, if not even more.

I love him, and that is really all their is to say.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Book and Micro-blogging

I have been writing a book all this part of the new year. And I just got my internet back so I have been going crazy trying to catch up with everything I have missed.

My book is about an angel named David who comes to earth to help a woman find her cartain special 'someone'. I think that it will be really good once I finish it.

I am not going to post much about my book on here simply because of plagerism concerns.

I really missed blogging. I have just started micro-blogging on and (my user name is: helovesmedearly.)
Micro-blogging is really kind of fun! You post small messages(max. is about 140 letters) every couple of hours or so. But knowing me I have been posting almost every other minute. It is really kind of fun. But I really do prefer actual blogging here. It gives me so much more satisfaction, and I can say so much more in one posting.

I have found that Twitter is a much more simple type of blogging. It doesn't feel like social network. It hase some simple basic layouts and a few cool options. It looks like a mini version of blogging, the layout is the same. But for the most part it feels like typing an online mini-journal. You don't really realize that alot of people do read this and can read this.

While Plurk on the other hand is alot more like a myspace page type of layout. The concept is the same. But isnstead of all of the posts being stacked ontop of each other. They are layed out in a timeline type of form. It also seems like this site is a little slower that Twitter, it may be my computer but that is an observation I see never the less. It is also very socially oriented. You can choose the colors for the backround and even get customized ones. Plurk also has a system of reward for interactong with people and being active on the site. You get karma points for everything from how much you post to how many followers and friends you have.

All in all I think that micro-blogging is an interesting consept but will never measure up to real, full length blogging.