Thursday, October 2, 2008

I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.
Why don't I entirely believe him.
But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.
It may help him, but it will only hurt me.
I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.
I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.
I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.
I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.
I am scared.
I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.
But what can I do?
I can't stop myself from having doubts.
But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.
I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.
Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.
I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.
I feel uplifted, and happy.
I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

My Thougts On Fall

I love this time of year.
Fall. The smells, the colors the sights, the nights, the fires, the pumkins, everything.
Fall comes second only to Winter in my eyes.
But I love the silence at night, no chirping crickets, no heat.
I love the smell of perfectly ripe apples and cinnamon, the sharpness of cilled cider, and the smell of pumkin guts on carving days.
I love the keleidaskope of colors that are created within the limbs of trees.
I love to hug a dear one close in the chill wind, and seeing them laugh with their cheeks numb and red makes me happy.
I feel creative in the fall, I feel safe in the fall.
I feel loved, and warm in the fall.
I feel free in the fall.
But soon winter will come and I will be sad that autumn is leaving but I will be glad of the sharp cold, and silence that winter brings.

Halloween Costume?

Okay, so I didn't break anything.
But I really wanted to.
So I was starting to wonder what I should be for Haloween, because It is only like 29 days away.
And I strted to think of what I really wanted to be, and I noticed that I don't know.
But right now I really am in a fall mood, my room smells like apples and cinamon from my candle in a jar.
So, I though of a few ideas for Halloween and I am going to have a poll to see what people think I should wear.
1. Pirate
2. Vampire*
3. Gothic Lolita (google it if you don't know)
4. Dog
5. Cat
6. Dead Bride
7. Dead prom date
8. Murderer victim
I am going to stop there because now they are just getting a little weird.
So tell me if you like any of these or any other suggestions you may have.
*= I really like this one.