Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Am Afraid

I am so scared.
Scared he will realize that a life without me in it is better.
People say he won't, but that is so hard for me to believe.
I want to believe them.
But I am afraid.
Afraid that I will move on, but I know I won't ever.
Afraid that someone will use me.
Afraid that if I don't have the saying "I have a boyfriend" to hide behind I will be taken over.
I am so afraid of being lost.
I am confused as to why their can't be a middle ground.
I am confused as to why we can't be together still but not see each other as much.
I am scared I did something wrong.
I am afraid that I said something wrong.
I want to know if "taking a break" will really help, or if it will just make it worse.
I am afraid of loosing him.


Everyone is in a masquerade today, we are all wearing masks today.
My mask is a one of happiness, and fearlessness.
Today everyone is okay, only because they say so.
Today we are fine, but tomorrow we will wake up and realise that it was all just a party for one night and that it is all over.
We will all cry that our masks must come off for now.
But there are a select few who keep their masks on all of the time, day and night.
And those people, when they come to the masquerade, are thrown out because no body knows that it really is a mask.
They think that they are being mocked if someone came in with their real face on.
I am wearing my mask tonight, but tomorrow it must come off.
It must!

A Few Of My Fears

I have a major fear of loosing everything and everyone close to me, of being abandoned. It is hard for me to depend on someone wholly but when I do and they leave.
I crash, I fall.
You can yell at me for this but it is only the truth.
If I depend on you for something, just please don't leave.
I also have a fear of spiders, bugs, and anything that could get in my clothes and sting me.
I think that the reason for this is the fact that when I was little I went and wanted to rescue a little harmless black spider that was in our hallway. I picked it up and started to carry it towards the door and about 3/4 of the way there all of the sudden that little harmless black spider bit my them and ran away.
I guess the saying "Once bitten, Twice shy." applies here.

Writing, My Life

As well as music being a very large part of my life is writing. I love to get all I can out on paper or on the Internet. I love being able to say whatever I want in my journal. I never get yelled at for cursing, never get argued with, never interrupted by some other person's thoughts. It is amazing what can come out of my brain through my arm and down into my fingers finally coming out on the tip of my pencil or pen. I love the feeling of accomplishing something like that. I love being able to just "dump" everything on my mind onto something that won't comment back and won't judge me. It makes me feel so much calmer and freer.
I love being able to tell my darkest dreams, my private thoughts, the extent of my love for people. Who I truly care about, and just the things that other people might become frightened if they happened to read them.
I also love to write on the Internet, like I am now. I love having people tell me that I am good at writing or that I have good ideas. I love to inspire people and affect people. I love showing off. I love that I can argue with some one and not be worried that they will judge me on looks or try to punch me.
I can let my thoughts flow freely.
I can be liberated.
I am not limited by the amount of people I know but by the amount of people that read this.
On that note, music and writing are important to me but there is much more that makes me, me. I will write about those too, whether now or later.

Music, My Life

To me music is a sense of freedom and self expression. It calms me and heals me. It makes me want to get up and dance, sing, and just let go of all of my inhabitions. I don't think I could live without it. I depend on it to calm me down when I am nervous or frustrated. I need it to go to asleep and to wake up. I live and breathe music, if I am not playing it in my computer then I am making it on my piano. I love to try new forms of music all of the time. Just recently I learned how to do a basic beat on the drums. I love learning about music. The music my love makes when he is waisting time is so beautiful that I have to choke back my tears. I love hearing things that stir up my emotions so strongly that I want to just get up and do something.
I love the feel of a heavy bass guitar vibrating through my bones.
I love the sweet song that an acustic guitar makes.
I love the beat that drums can keep and how it seems to hold a song together.
I love the wild sound you can get and make on a keyboard, you can get anything from doorbellls to drums to a cat to a trumpet.
I love the calming sound that the piano can make, I love playing this in public, swaying to the music I make. But my secret is that I make most of them up on the spot.
I love music.
It heals me.
It makes me want to dance,
and sing.
I love the feeling I get in the deepest parts of my chest when I hear good music.
Music is my life and part of me.
These quotes I am going to put here are for someone important to me. Someone who needs to know that they can't possibly fail me, you can only hurt me. And the only way to do that is leave me, or not care. I hope he reads this and understands.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.~Theodore Roosevelt
There is no failure except in no longer trying.~Elbert Hubbard
The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.~Sven Eriksson
The only real failure in life is the failure to try. ~Unknown

You know who you are, But I hope this will tell you how much I care for you and that you couldn't ever fail me the way you are now. I love you.

Blood Poem

I have gotten so many compliments on this poem. So I felt the need to post it here.
It is every where
But I think it looks best where I can admire it
On the ground
On you
It doesn’t matter
As long as I can look at it
Admire its color that spawned so many stories and poems
Watch it make rivers and shapes out of itself
Taste it’s sweet tangy flavor that is better than anything else on earth
And wonder why this was taken away from me
Why must I feed on it
I can’t stop myself
Why was I changed to be this...this
Darkness lover
This dream of gothic people
This monster
A monster who
Want’s-like a human- what it can’t ever have
An end.

When He Left

He is leaving
I can't stop crying
tears falling slowly, gracefully down my face......
I can't stop them
no one must see them
why does it hurt so bad?
it feels like half of me is leaving with him
for me
save me........
This was written this spring and does not pertain to my current boyfriend.

Love Quotes

I feel the need to post something not necessarily mine. I want to show you some of my favorite love quotes. But please keep in mind that only the ones I have said so are mine.

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.
Two souls and one thought, two hearts and one pulse.
A girl asked a guy if she was pretty, he said "No". She asked him if he wanted her, he said "No". She asked him if she left would he cry, he said "No". She turned to leave. He grabbed her arm and said "You're not pretty; you're beautiful. And I don't want you; I need you. And I wouldn't cry if you left; I would die."

Love isn't finding a perfect person, it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
True love is, when everything in the world is going wrong, all you have to do is look at that special person and, suddenly, everything in the world is right again.

Promise to love me, not forever because forever is too short. But promise to love me each and every day of our lives.

You know a guy loves you when he says"I love you...!" in a room full of teenage guys.

When I tell you I love you I don't say it out of habit or to start a conversation. I say it to remind you that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I Love you not because of what you can give me, but because how my heart warms up whenever I am near you.

For you see, each day, I love you more.Today more than yesterday, and less than tomorrow.
I don't just love you because, I love you more than "I love you" can say.

If I had a star for every time you brighten my day, I would have the entire sky.

If you love me as I love you,nothing but death can part us two.

I don't fear insects or spiders. At great heights, I jump off, smiling. In the face of death I wink. But, when I look into your eyes, I'm in fear of how much I love you.

I love when you look at me, because I know for a second I crossed your mind

I've fallen in love many times...always with you.

If you love someone, do not put their name in a heart because hearts can be broken, instead put their name in a circle, because circles go on forever.

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

When you love someone, you pick up the little things and magically turn them into something special.

He handed her 12 roses, 11 real and 1 fake, and said, "I'll love u till the last one dies."

The test of love is not when we are together. It comes when we are not together and realize that despite the distance, love is still there.

No road is far if it leads to you.

If dreaming is the only way to be with you,then I'll never open my eyes.

I gave you a piece of paper with 'n ss!w !' written on it.It didn't meant anything to you, until you turned it upside-down.

I'm in love with everything about you...the way you smile and the way you laugh. But most of all the way you make me smile and the way you make me laugh.

I love my name- just because of how you say it.
I love the way you stare at me when you think I'm not looking.
I love the way you lean in close whenever I tell you something,even though we both know you heard me.
I love the sweet things you say to me, even when I'm screaming at you.
I love how you love me- and aren't afraid to show it.
I love how you make me want to be a better person than I ever thought I could be.
But mostly, I love you.
All the good things, all the bad, all the mistakes, all the surprises, all the imperfections, all of it...just because they're yours.

If I had to choose between loving you and breathing. I would use my last breath to tell you

I'm looking for a guy who will kiss me just before the traffic light turns green.
Who closes his eyes when he hugs me.
Who will patiently wait for me after class.
Who smells my hair every chance he gets.
Who will wipe my sweat with his hanky.
Who will sing my favorite song even if he can't carry a tune.
Who will let me rest over his shoulder.
Who will let me sleep on his lap, and will give me the 1st and last bite of his burger.
Who will squeeze my hand tighter when I squeeze his.
Who will make me feel special when everybody tries to put me down.
Who will love me for who I am.
Who will protect me when danger comes my way.
Who will cry when I leave him.
Someone who occupies my dream every night. When I find him I will never let him go.

I cried last night. I was imagining my life without you. -Gabby(me)

You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world.
- David Levesque -

The Mysterious "Why?" Question

Why?.... This is a question I am constantly asking myself....
Why did this happen to me? Why does this happen to her or him? Why can't things be better? Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why do other people do this? Why?
Almost none of these questions have answers. But yet we plow on with them anyway, asking more and more of them all of the time. Why do we ask more "why" questions when we don't have answers to the ones we have already asked?
We all ask "why" questions. But the real question is; Why do we ask these questions? As I am writing this there are hundreds of "why" questions floating around in my brain, but as I am writing that I keep asking myself "Why all of these "why" questions?" and for some reason I feel like I am jogging in circles, and I ask myself "Why did I even start this?" But as I am writing this I honestly think the whole time that I will be at my destination soon, not that I even know what that is.
What I am trying to say, for those not so capable of getting my hidden message, is that in writing this I was expecting to come to an answer to at least one of these questions. But in doing so I have only created more, and I seem to be in the same place I started in, if not worse. And as to not tire my brain out further with this now pointless blog, I will end with a "Good night" and a "Why do we say that?"


Love, what a sweet word.
I love to say it in place of a "farewell" or "see you later". We all have said it once in our lifetime and meant it. Whether it is about those amazing yellow pumps, or to our lovers. What does it really mean?
The meaning seems to change with the context it is used in."I love you" can mean you truly love this person and wish to spend the rest of your life with them, it can also mean "I love you as a friend" but us as a people are much to lazy to bother ourselves with that "lengthy" explanation, on that note it can be used with enormous amounts of sarcasm and in that case you don't really mean that at all, you can also say it with a laugh that means "you are silly, but I like that" but yet again we have no patience nor time to fully explain our true meaning behind those three powerful words. We simply leave free reign to whom we are saying this to or about, to interpret it how they will.
~You may be thinking right now that I am being a "wise ass" but I assure you that my intelligent talk is not in anyway demeaning to your usual typing style, I just simply wish to convey my interest on the subject discussed above in the most intelligent and correct way possible.~

Back to the subject at hand. Love, we use it all the time, it leaves us, we fall into it, it breaks us and heals us. Why do we love it?(pun intended) Because it makes us feel beautiful, special, real, amazing, high, super, or for lack of a better word, loved. Our attraction to it is unsatisfiable, to some people Valentines Day, the day of love itself, is nothing compared to every moment spent with their love.
I know this to be quite true. Our "need" for love drives us to do something, anything.While we are in love we can create inspiring art, song, dance, poetry, or chase something usually out of our reach, and it can make us believe in ourselves. Why do feel like this when we are in love? Because technically it releases a hormone in our brain that makes us feel almost "high", but mostly it is the fact that we feel like we have a place in this world. That suddenly everything seems to make just a little more sense, and the sad or bad things we used to dwell upon suddenly disappear.
I love being in love. I love telling people I am in love. I love telling people I am loved. I am here. I am important to some one. Someone would miss me if I were to leave, and it makes me want to stay here just a little but longer. Waste just a little more for them, just to try to convey your truest and deepest of feelings to them, even if only a little bit.

Under Attack

Verbally attacking people seems like the better way to attack people nowadays. People say "you're stupid" "you're immature" to you and if they are close enough to you, you believe them.
My morals are that yelling doesn't help, and say what you mean and mean what you say. That means that if I yell at you for doing something wrong that isn't necessarily going to help you get better or be better. And saying what you mean, and meaning what you say may sound simple enough, but they are harder to do than you think....people may say I am blunt...no I am not, I am just saying what I mean. And I ALWAYS mean what I say, when I say so. Yea, I may joke, but it is never true if it is meant to hurt you.
When people verbally attack me I feel like I am being physically attacked. The walls around me close in. I feel claustrophobic, I start screaming hoping that it will discourage them. But they never notice, they think I am just trying to argue with them.
I hate yelling, I hate being told I am wrong when I know I am doing what is right for ME!, I hate people talking crap about other people. I believe people no matter what, it may be wrong, but I still do it, I just think people should be given the benefit of the doubt. I am very passionate about the people I love, I will do anything to protect them. Because I am afraid of loosing them. I won't loose them!
Please don't attack me, I know I do wrong, but attacking me only makes me back into a corner and cry. It doesn't help to overload me with stuff to do when I already have so much on my mind. You need to look past the stuff I always do wrong and see what I do right.
Don't laugh at me, it is just the same as calling me dumb, or slapping me in the face. It shows me that you have no respect for me, and if you have no respect for me you don't deserve to see the real me.

Just let me be, and let me handle it. I want to be able to say in the future that was able to do it.

My Feelings Last Night

Do you know that feeling when you know you screwed up real bad and you hate yourself for it? Well I feel like that right now, but I know that the person that should be mad at me isn’t, and that just makes me feel worse.
This is the feeling I had last night, but I was too lazy and drained to post it then, so I am posting it now.

My Wall

I don’t care.” This is my wall. Don’t try to break it down because you will break me too. My wall protects me from caring to much and getting hurt, because I care, or just because I don’t want to tell someone my truest, deepest, darkest feelings that I have on the inside. I am afraid to loose the thing that means the most to me.
I hate when people don’t understand that I can’t handle being yelled at during stressful times. I can’t be loaded up or badgered, or I will combust internally and die. I feel, in those situations, that my head will explode, or my emotions will explode. I fear I will hurt someone and never fix that in the end.
I don’t want to regret anymore, my wall protects me from regret. I am so afraid, I am so angry, I am so lonely. I know I am not truly alone but I feel like I should be alone.
I care way too much, how do I stop caring? Help me to stop caring for real. Please! I need to be rescued, I feel like I am drowning. I know who can save me, but I don’t want them to have the responsibility of my life or emotions on his shoulders. I want to save him. That is the only way I can be saved myself.

Monday, September 29, 2008

My Explination

I am sitting typing in my college's library, so the usual frustrated sighs I make when I can't think of something to write are absent. I wanted to explain that weird and sort of uncalled for post last night. I was going to post something but I had, had a hard day and I was emotionally drained so instead of typing, thinking, and correcting all night.
I decided to be lazy and free write for about an hour last night. Now today I was able to go and see my Psychiatrist today. I feel so much better because all I did the entire session was talk about everything I could think of that I have or had problems with in current time or in the past.
I was so happy to get all of that off of my chest because then I was able to feel just a little bit better. I really like my Psychiatrist because no matter what I say he understands and says it is okay that I feel a certain way but we should probably find a more healthy way of helping me. So I am beginning to explore different ways that are much more healthy for me. I really do appreciate his help.
On that note I probably should stop here for now because, even though I am trying, I am still making those frustrated noises and I am getting weird stares. And I am also seeing that the keyboard I am using is really loud and I tend to type very "harshly". And so I bid you, dear reader(s) farewell for now.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sorry readers.

I can't blog right now. My chest hurts so bad.

My Thoughts on Love

Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called "silly" and that is the end of it.
I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person, and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that.
We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in the foyer, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling into the picture of a spider on the wall, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much each of us means to the other.

~Every time I am around him my chest hurts because it knows that the heart that used to be there is close~ -Gabby

~All the words in the dictionary can tell exactly how I feel about him~ -Gabby

These phrases popped into my head as I was sitting on a bench, on a dock, in the rain waiting for him to come and see me. My hair was plastered to my face dripping fat water droplets onto my phone, ditsorting the picure. I couldn’t move until these thoughts were put somewhere where I could find them again. I was stuck to my seat, the rain getting harder every second, but I didn’t even notice the cold or the wetness.
I only saw the screen of my phone and the words I was trying to write on it. I am so happy to remember these phrases because maybe if he reads this and knows that I was diligently and loyally waiting for him in the poring rain for over an hour, and all I could think about was him. Maybe he will start to see exactly how much I truly care for him.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My Dream Of Snow

I love snow, its sweet caress on my cheek making my face look like I have been crying small tears of cold ice. My heart aches to be like snow, beautiful and dangerous. I want to be able to make a man fall to his knees with one touch of my graceful white hands. I want to be able to hear all of the secrets whispered into the winter wind. I want to be able to bring couples closer together by just being there. People may think I am a hindrance but they are deep down actually glad that I came for I bring a time of celebration and togetherness. I want to be the snow.