Monday, December 29, 2008

Some Things About Me

It really confuses and makes me happy and the same time if some one says that what I write is deep when I wasn't trying to do anything other than get my thoughts out of my mind

I love finding quotes and funny llittle facts!

I love music because it is the only way for me to truly express my emotions and what my mood is, without using words....because sometimes, words just don't cut it, there are things out there that need a word but they don't have one that fits

I love to write because I can let anything I want out, when I am writing, nothing matters because I know that no one can say anything bad about my inner thoughts
they should be thanking me right then for letting them into a small part of my soul

I love swimming because I can let out all of my anger, it can also sooth me whan I am sore or makes me feel free, all I have to do is put my head under and all of the yelling, screaming, nagging, worries go away instantly...

I love photography because it is the only time I can actually get across everythign I wanted to say without saying a word
All i do is simply look, point and shoot.
I love being able to capture somethings soul in an instant, and keep it forever

The things that I love I have so much passion for....I love them, they make me, me!

I don't hate, I only pity people who hate.

I feel sorry for those who only see the bad in people and that they can't look past that
to see that a person, even the worst of them
has all done something kind or good in their life!
I believe that every one can do good, I think it is a personal choice to not do good.

I am very openminded, I love hearing someones opinion of something, I love thinking about
things like that.
I like being able to say, "yea, I know what you are talking about, but this is a good point too" or, "I agree, and I am so happy that you were able to tell me that."

These are very old but I'll post them anyways

i see him
he sees me
i run
because he knows
what does he know?
well i am not going to tell you that am i?
he sees me run
he chases
don't chase me
you know my secret so there is nothing I can hide from you
i change
i am away
i have escaped
Only me and him know

why do i have to sing?
it keeps me off the brink of insanity
i sing songs in a long forgotten language that everything knows
i am older than i look and being so old makes you know things
things that can scare you in to the brink of insanity
but singing of old things that are forgotten is best
for the old ways are much simpler
there was only ever one way of living
to live.
Then to die
I wish I could

I am in trouble
Save me
Why won’t you stop?
It hurts

Does this word exist?
Is it ever true?
Can you keep me safe?
You said you can
But I am not so sure
Why do you promise things that you can’t keep?
I thought you could
This happened
Why did you say you could keep me safe?
You were the one who hurt me
Did your promise include keeping me safe from yourself?
Who can save me from themselves?

How Much He Means To Me

He should be calling me soon. I can't wait. I love him so much. Sometimes it actually hurts me. There is this deep aching feeling in my chest when I talk to him. Or even when I am just thinking about him. I have a need for him now. He makes me whole, he makes me feel good about myself; even when I don't want to. He makes me laugh when I'm angry, etc. He isthe only person who I know that can do this at all, let alone to me. I love him, and I mean that more than I ever have in my entire life. I could never live without him, let alone tryin the first place. He makes my skin turn to fire and my heart beat along to a fast rythim I love him so much. I wish that I didn't have so many problems, then I would be able to talk to him directly, and I wouldn't feel so worried and weird. I love him, I could never say it enough. I don't ever WANT to say it enough. I am happy where I am and I never want that to change. I love him. That is all I can say. Those three pathetic, often missunderstood, or missused words are the only thing that I have to expess myself. I think that it is a major understatement, but any more powerful words, illude me. I love him.That is what I am limited to. But I think that untill I, or someone else, invents a better word or phrase, I will be limited to those three limp words. But I mean them with all of my heart.

Untitled Thought

Everytime that I just sit down and silently rant to my computer does good for me. I feel a little better knowing that it is in writting and that all I have to do is print it out if I ever wanted to show someone exactly how I felt at that moment and almost exactly what happened. Sometimes I forget little things like that. I can remember if a person was there but I could never tell you what their height, eye color, or clothes looked like. I hate that little quirk. I also like the fact that I could show this to anyone at any time, without having to actually say it. It is so much easier to write what you want than to actually say it out loud. I can say so much more and I can say it to much easier if it is on paper. or even just digital.


Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called silly and that is the end of it. I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that. We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in his room, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much one means to the other.

Some Lyrics I Wrote

And they said love
they said forever
they said now
and together

They said I will be
Never again do i want to hear such lies
the lies
they tell to me

And they said love
they said why not
they said alot
and i fought
for you

They will never know
that i saw right through them
right through their lies
right through there fakness

And they said lies
through their stained teeth
forever we will be
forever u and me
all lies

in my face
hitting me
hurting me
you said you didn't mean to
you didn't want to
you didn't know

i know
you know
we know
you meant to hurt me
because you didn't tell me
when it started going downhill
when you started to not feel the same
did you ever feel the same as me

I loved you so
i never would have let you go
exceptyou wanted to go
and if your happy
then i'll let you go

All i wanted was for you to be happy
with or with out me
i'll learn to live
i love you so
i never tried to let you go
but i need to now

I never wannnted to say
I don't need you today
but im glad
i can say
loved you
even if only for a day

The Unnamable Woman

Therein the moonlight
look it is she
the one
they call her
the puppetier of the night
she pulls all of the strings that make the night
she rides the Night mare
she is the daughter of shadows and dreams
she makes the crickets chirp
the bushes rustle
the shadows move
the birds adjust
and she makes your mind
see things that aren't really there
she helps all of us overcome our inner fears as well
she makes and shapes our dreams so that we may see the inner meanings to our life
as well as maybe, if your lucky,she will show you a piece of your future in your dreams
the only thing you have to do is remember
and use what she gives you selectivly and wisely
do not get caught up in her or take her too seriously
she can fool and joke
she will overthrow you and you will never come back from her world

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I Wrote This Forever Ago. But I'll Post It Now.

I hate this right now
I can’t log onto my blog to post this stuff
But I can’t get onto Myspace or Facebook either
I hate that
I need do to that stuff
To help m calm down
But I can’t if I can’t get to it
I hate this
I really need my internet music to help me calm down and be able to loose myself in it
There is nothing I can loose myself in anymore
I hate this
I am also afraid of being left
I am afraid that since I have given all I can
That I will be thrown away
Because I have been used before
I have this fear
I hate having this fear
I want to believe that I won’t be thrown away after what happened
But it is really hard for me to believer that
I need to talk to someone
But I can’t
No one is ever available when I need them the most
They are all busy
Or tired
Or they don’t care
Or they are in trouble and can’t talk
I need someone
I really do
They came!
I am so happy!
They care!
But then they have to leave again
I hate that
I wish we just lived together
I hate this
I wish I wasn’t under their control anymore
I think that I make good decisions
I think that I am responsible
And that I am showing that
But it seems like the more responsible that I am
The more I get taken away
I don’t get this reasoning
I hate that reasoning
I hate this
I hate being like this
I really want to learn to type without looking at the keyboard
It is fairly hard but it is possible
And I can get through it fairly well
But I do go a bit slower that normal
But that is okay
If that is the price I have to pay
So be it!

I hate that they think that they can just take whatever they want away from me
Especially when I am becoming more responsible as we speak
I am showing them exactly how responsible I am
And I am getting everything taken away
My phone, My Computer, My internet, my freedom, my friends, my boyfriend, My Security, My contacts, My relaxation, My life
Everything is being taken away
And they are using petty excuses
Ones like “You think that having that kind of a cell phone bill will go unpunished?”
Well I am being punished for it
I have to pay most of the bill!
And this whole computer thing
Is way off the wall
My sister had a fight with my parents….I get my internet taken away?
I have to let my grades suffer?
Because of my sister being a grouch?
And I also have to stand there when he jumps on her?
I am not allowed to swear? I get grounded for a week for swearing?
Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me…idk
I don’t know what is going on in this house anymore.
I really don’t get anyone’s thought process anymore
I really don’t know where they are pulling this stuff from
Usually I get a day or two grounded because of swearing
Never a week
And I apologized for it too
But I must be punished harshly for something because I am more responsible?
Somehow that makes no sense to me
Does it make sense to anyone else?
I’m not really sure
But I don’t see how it could

I think that the word freedom is not ever completely understood
I think that true freedom doesn’t exist
Just like perfection
It can be said and thought of
But it is never truly accomplished.

New Years Resolutions!

1. Blog more.
2. Live life knowing that I am cared for by someone.
3. Say that I am beautiful and mean it.
4. Stop nagging on myself and just relax.
5. Get rid of my anxiety problem.

What about you? What are your resolutions?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I love Christmas.
It is my favorite holiday.
Simply because of the cheer and togetherness it brings with it
Of course I don't hate the presents either,
But that is not the only reason I love that holiday.
I love it for many reasons.
One of the first reasons is that you receive as well as give gifts, so no one will feel guilty.
I like my birthdays, but you always walk away thinking that you should have given your guests something more in exchange for the amazing presents that they gave you.
Another thing that I love is that the mood of everyone get lifted.
I love snow, and the silence that it brings.
Have you ever just stood outside while it was snowing?
It sounds like there is a blanket over your ears, everything is quieter.
I love that, I also love the invigoration you feel when the chill air hits your lungs with a cold blast that makes you go, "OH!"
I also love the break you get from school when that time of year rolls around, but doesn't everyone love that?
I love icicles, thick ones you find hanging from the edge of your house, and porch railings, I love to find clear ones and either suck on them or have sword fight with them.
Snowball fights are always fun in the winter as well!
I love making the fort that is never tall enough when you finally start the fight.
I just love that whole time of year, the crunch of snow under my shoes, the smell of warm food baking slowly in the oven, the weekend movies curled up under tons of blankets, and even the feel of a warm fireplace, when available.
There are so many desirable things about winter and Christmas.
I forgot, I love Christmas carols, I absolutely love them. They bring warmth, cheer, and happy feelings with them no matter when they are played.

Getting Out

I love my college classes.
They are an excuse to get out of my house.
I hate being there
I feel presured to never stop working on something
I feel like relaxation time doesn't exist.
And if I need a brake I get yelled at, nagged, cornered, and told mean things to.
For some reason I don't think that that is right.
But one question is there that I want to pose.
How are you supposed to react to being cornered?
Am I supposed to just sit there?
No, I think that we have that animal-like intsinct to get that threat out of your face and fight back.
I don't know.
I know it isn't right to fight back with your parents and I try and deny that instinct as much as possible.
But wouldn't it be so much easier if everyone knew when to get out of someones face, and if everyone knew how much a person can take.
Then there would be no more accidental hurting of someone.

So I want to get out.
Get out of my house that is.
I want to leave.
I really wish I could
I would have moved out a week ago
If I could
I really hate the pressures that I have to go through.
I really wish I could just walk out that door
I have no money though
And no place to go
And I am to chicken for now.

I don't hate my parents, don't get me wrong
I just don't think that it is all that good that I still live here.
I can deal with them.
But not so much all day everyday.

Love, Again!

Love is such a hard thing.
It is hard to get.
Hard to keep.
Hard to find.
Hard to know if it is true.
Hard to feel.
Hard to know if you even have it.

I would like to think that I know that what I have is the best it can get.And it is definitly the best I have had in my life.But I believe that love for life is the love you are satisfied with and that you never want to try and find something better, because you truly don't think that there is anything better.That is the answer that I am trying to find right now.I know that I am the happiest I have ever been.But I do know that there may be something better out there.But I can't see what.So I have made my descion, I never want to try and find something better.Because I hanestly don't think that there is something like that.I love him.And I want to stay like that always.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

2 things; Sorry and Thank You!

I would like to write about 2 things tonight.
1. I would like to apologize to everyone who reads my blog. I am sorry that I haven't been writing lately.
The reason for this is the fact that my parents have taken away my Internet.
And the only way for me to blog is by sneaking (as I am now) or by going on at college.
I am going to try and finding ways to blog more if I can but I apologize for any delay.
2. I would also like to tell everyone who has ever commented on any of my blogs.
Thank You!
Everything that everyone has said has been so kind!
I really becme speechless when I read these kind things. I appreciate any feedback at all, and seeing that all of these people like what I write puts me on the verge of tears everytime.
So, thank you!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

New Love May Spout Even In Complete Heartbreak

After what seems like forever I have finally moved on from my ex-boyfriend.
I am not trying to say that I don't like him anymore, no!
I still like him, I just like him as a friend now.
My anger towards him has completely subsided.
I think I might care for someone else though.
I am not dating him now or any time in the near future, my heart won't let me just yet.
But in time, if I still feel the same, I may be with him one day.
He seems to understand me better than anyone else so far, he understand what he can't do and that I may hurt him.
But he doesn't seem to care, he only seems to care about being with me,
in any way possible.
Even if that means that I never date him.
That means more than anything to me.
He cares.
I need someone like that.
He also tells me when he notices something nice about me at random times.
That flatters me, I like it.
I like being told that my eyes are beautiful,
that my shape is amazing
that I have a beautiful body
that I am kind
and almost goddess like
I cry when I hear beautiful words like that directed at me.
I don't believe him at first, but the more he says it, and the more other people say it the more I believe it.
I am starting to believe that I may actually be beautiful.
This is an amazing feeling, it is hard to get me to feel this way, even after the conversation is over.
I always feel pretty when I am with someone who truly cares about me.
But I have never felt beautiful when I am by myself after a conversation has ended.
But I do now!
I feel like I should be wearing a white cotton dress for some reason..
Oh, well! I just am happy right now, stressed, but happy.
I had a comment on my "How Dare You Judge Me?" blog and it said that, "I don't judge you...the difference is you choose to show emotion...while i and many others keep bottled up. From my eyes you should be judging me. Have a great night" and this just caught me off guard.
I believe that we, as humans, judge.
Whether unconsciously or not, we judge, we label.
It only gets bad, though, when we let that effect how we treat people.
I don't let my judgement effect how I treat people, that is what I was trying to get at.
And telling me I should be judging you?
That is absurd and something I would never do!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

You Dare To Judge Me?

People seem to think it wierd that I dress in almost all black and still have an upbeat additude most of the time.
I think that categorizing how people should act, based off of their clothes is ludacris!
I wear black.
So what?
I like the feeling of the darkness, and the things in it attract me.
That doesnt mean that I have to go around moaning my sorrows, or that I blog because I want pity.
I do things because I like to!
I strted this blog to vent my feelings, no matter what they were.
I am not here to be popular.
Yea, people reading my writings makes me happy.
But that is not the reason of my posts.
The reason I post is for ME and ME only!
Do not be conceted.
I like to wear black, and I am happy about that.
Get over it.
I am not a clone.
I am not another barbie, or just another emo or goth chick.
The only way to describe the way I am is my name.
I am Gabrielle!

I Want To Be Happy But That Seems To Be The Hardest Thing To Do Right Now

Right now there are many things I want.
But mostly I want to be happy.
But happiness seems to be the most evasive thing for me lately.
I feel like I am using someone to get over another.....but right now I just can't love someone, like
I love(d) him
I can fool around and try to drown him out
but he took a piece of me and kept it
And I keep remembering the feeling of what it felt like to have a whole heart.
Now it is just broken
just in pieces
Just there.It hurts
But all I need is time
I will not use this person, meaning I will not leave them after feel better.
But they must know that I am "using" them as a distraction so I don't cry night and day
I hope they understand and still care the way they do
but if they don't I'll understand
because I know I am an awful person
and really messed up right now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

My Confusion

I am so freaking confused.
I hate being this way.
I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have had so much going on lately.
And the second I start to blog again I am so freaking confused.
People are telling me things about a person, that I care about, that I don't want to know.
But I hear what they are saying and I listen, I don't like what I hear all of the time, but I still listen.
Right now I just need to laugh and smile and enjoy life.
It is hard but I will try, dear readers, I will try.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.
Why don't I entirely believe him.
But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.
It may help him, but it will only hurt me.
I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.
I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.
I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.
I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.
I am scared.
I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.
But what can I do?
I can't stop myself from having doubts.
But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.
I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.
Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.
I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.
I feel uplifted, and happy.
I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

My Thougts On Fall

I love this time of year.
Fall. The smells, the colors the sights, the nights, the fires, the pumkins, everything.
Fall comes second only to Winter in my eyes.
But I love the silence at night, no chirping crickets, no heat.
I love the smell of perfectly ripe apples and cinnamon, the sharpness of cilled cider, and the smell of pumkin guts on carving days.
I love the keleidaskope of colors that are created within the limbs of trees.
I love to hug a dear one close in the chill wind, and seeing them laugh with their cheeks numb and red makes me happy.
I feel creative in the fall, I feel safe in the fall.
I feel loved, and warm in the fall.
I feel free in the fall.
But soon winter will come and I will be sad that autumn is leaving but I will be glad of the sharp cold, and silence that winter brings.

Halloween Costume?

Okay, so I didn't break anything.
But I really wanted to.
So I was starting to wonder what I should be for Haloween, because It is only like 29 days away.
And I strted to think of what I really wanted to be, and I noticed that I don't know.
But right now I really am in a fall mood, my room smells like apples and cinamon from my candle in a jar.
So, I though of a few ideas for Halloween and I am going to have a poll to see what people think I should wear.
1. Pirate
2. Vampire*
3. Gothic Lolita (google it if you don't know)
4. Dog
5. Cat
6. Dead Bride
7. Dead prom date
8. Murderer victim
I am going to stop there because now they are just getting a little weird.
So tell me if you like any of these or any other suggestions you may have.
*= I really like this one.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Why Am I Mad?

I am so freaking mad right now and there is no particular reason for this.
I am not mad at anyone in particular.
I just feel like killing something or tearing something into pieces and throwing them all over.
I am listening to that new Pink song about getting in a fight, and it is totally getting my blood boiling.
I am blasting the music out of my sound system in me room, my parents are probably going to come in here soon and yell at me to turn it down.
But I am not sure I will.
I feel awesome and powerful!
It is slightly scary, but I am not going to question it for now.
So if I don't post for a while it is because I punched either my computer or I punched something else important and got the computer taken away.
This probably wasn't written very well, and I apologize, but I just had to get this out there.
I said that would post everything no matter haw mushy or dark they got, well violent falls under that as well.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I Am Afraid

I am so scared.
Scared he will realize that a life without me in it is better.
People say he won't, but that is so hard for me to believe.
I want to believe them.
But I am afraid.
Afraid that I will move on, but I know I won't ever.
Afraid that someone will use me.
Afraid that if I don't have the saying "I have a boyfriend" to hide behind I will be taken over.
I am so afraid of being lost.
I am confused as to why their can't be a middle ground.
I am confused as to why we can't be together still but not see each other as much.
I am scared I did something wrong.
I am afraid that I said something wrong.
I want to know if "taking a break" will really help, or if it will just make it worse.
I am afraid of loosing him.


Everyone is in a masquerade today, we are all wearing masks today.
My mask is a one of happiness, and fearlessness.
Today everyone is okay, only because they say so.
Today we are fine, but tomorrow we will wake up and realise that it was all just a party for one night and that it is all over.
We will all cry that our masks must come off for now.
But there are a select few who keep their masks on all of the time, day and night.
And those people, when they come to the masquerade, are thrown out because no body knows that it really is a mask.
They think that they are being mocked if someone came in with their real face on.
I am wearing my mask tonight, but tomorrow it must come off.
It must!

A Few Of My Fears

I have a major fear of loosing everything and everyone close to me, of being abandoned. It is hard for me to depend on someone wholly but when I do and they leave.
I crash, I fall.
You can yell at me for this but it is only the truth.
If I depend on you for something, just please don't leave.
I also have a fear of spiders, bugs, and anything that could get in my clothes and sting me.
I think that the reason for this is the fact that when I was little I went and wanted to rescue a little harmless black spider that was in our hallway. I picked it up and started to carry it towards the door and about 3/4 of the way there all of the sudden that little harmless black spider bit my them and ran away.
I guess the saying "Once bitten, Twice shy." applies here.

Writing, My Life

As well as music being a very large part of my life is writing. I love to get all I can out on paper or on the Internet. I love being able to say whatever I want in my journal. I never get yelled at for cursing, never get argued with, never interrupted by some other person's thoughts. It is amazing what can come out of my brain through my arm and down into my fingers finally coming out on the tip of my pencil or pen. I love the feeling of accomplishing something like that. I love being able to just "dump" everything on my mind onto something that won't comment back and won't judge me. It makes me feel so much calmer and freer.
I love being able to tell my darkest dreams, my private thoughts, the extent of my love for people. Who I truly care about, and just the things that other people might become frightened if they happened to read them.
I also love to write on the Internet, like I am now. I love having people tell me that I am good at writing or that I have good ideas. I love to inspire people and affect people. I love showing off. I love that I can argue with some one and not be worried that they will judge me on looks or try to punch me.
I can let my thoughts flow freely.
I can be liberated.
I am not limited by the amount of people I know but by the amount of people that read this.
On that note, music and writing are important to me but there is much more that makes me, me. I will write about those too, whether now or later.

Music, My Life

To me music is a sense of freedom and self expression. It calms me and heals me. It makes me want to get up and dance, sing, and just let go of all of my inhabitions. I don't think I could live without it. I depend on it to calm me down when I am nervous or frustrated. I need it to go to asleep and to wake up. I live and breathe music, if I am not playing it in my computer then I am making it on my piano. I love to try new forms of music all of the time. Just recently I learned how to do a basic beat on the drums. I love learning about music. The music my love makes when he is waisting time is so beautiful that I have to choke back my tears. I love hearing things that stir up my emotions so strongly that I want to just get up and do something.
I love the feel of a heavy bass guitar vibrating through my bones.
I love the sweet song that an acustic guitar makes.
I love the beat that drums can keep and how it seems to hold a song together.
I love the wild sound you can get and make on a keyboard, you can get anything from doorbellls to drums to a cat to a trumpet.
I love the calming sound that the piano can make, I love playing this in public, swaying to the music I make. But my secret is that I make most of them up on the spot.
I love music.
It heals me.
It makes me want to dance,
and sing.
I love the feeling I get in the deepest parts of my chest when I hear good music.
Music is my life and part of me.
These quotes I am going to put here are for someone important to me. Someone who needs to know that they can't possibly fail me, you can only hurt me. And the only way to do that is leave me, or not care. I hope he reads this and understands.

It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed.~Theodore Roosevelt
There is no failure except in no longer trying.~Elbert Hubbard
The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.~Sven Eriksson
The only real failure in life is the failure to try. ~Unknown

You know who you are, But I hope this will tell you how much I care for you and that you couldn't ever fail me the way you are now. I love you.

Blood Poem

I have gotten so many compliments on this poem. So I felt the need to post it here.
It is every where
But I think it looks best where I can admire it
On the ground
On you
It doesn’t matter
As long as I can look at it
Admire its color that spawned so many stories and poems
Watch it make rivers and shapes out of itself
Taste it’s sweet tangy flavor that is better than anything else on earth
And wonder why this was taken away from me
Why must I feed on it
I can’t stop myself
Why was I changed to be this...this
Darkness lover
This dream of gothic people
This monster
A monster who
Want’s-like a human- what it can’t ever have
An end.

When He Left

He is leaving
I can't stop crying
tears falling slowly, gracefully down my face......
I can't stop them
no one must see them
why does it hurt so bad?
it feels like half of me is leaving with him
for me
save me........
This was written this spring and does not pertain to my current boyfriend.

Love Quotes

I feel the need to post something not necessarily mine. I want to show you some of my favorite love quotes. But please keep in mind that only the ones I have said so are mine.

Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination.
Two souls and one thought, two hearts and one pulse.
A girl asked a guy if she was pretty, he said "No". She asked him if he wanted her, he said "No". She asked him if she left would he cry, he said "No". She turned to leave. He grabbed her arm and said "You're not pretty; you're beautiful. And I don't want you; I need you. And I wouldn't cry if you left; I would die."

Love isn't finding a perfect person, it's seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
True love is, when everything in the world is going wrong, all you have to do is look at that special person and, suddenly, everything in the world is right again.

Promise to love me, not forever because forever is too short. But promise to love me each and every day of our lives.

You know a guy loves you when he says"I love you...!" in a room full of teenage guys.

When I tell you I love you I don't say it out of habit or to start a conversation. I say it to remind you that you're the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I Love you not because of what you can give me, but because how my heart warms up whenever I am near you.

For you see, each day, I love you more.Today more than yesterday, and less than tomorrow.
I don't just love you because, I love you more than "I love you" can say.

If I had a star for every time you brighten my day, I would have the entire sky.

If you love me as I love you,nothing but death can part us two.

I don't fear insects or spiders. At great heights, I jump off, smiling. In the face of death I wink. But, when I look into your eyes, I'm in fear of how much I love you.

I love when you look at me, because I know for a second I crossed your mind

I've fallen in love many times...always with you.

If you love someone, do not put their name in a heart because hearts can be broken, instead put their name in a circle, because circles go on forever.

Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.

When you love someone, you pick up the little things and magically turn them into something special.

He handed her 12 roses, 11 real and 1 fake, and said, "I'll love u till the last one dies."

The test of love is not when we are together. It comes when we are not together and realize that despite the distance, love is still there.

No road is far if it leads to you.

If dreaming is the only way to be with you,then I'll never open my eyes.

I gave you a piece of paper with 'n ss!w !' written on it.It didn't meant anything to you, until you turned it upside-down.

I'm in love with everything about you...the way you smile and the way you laugh. But most of all the way you make me smile and the way you make me laugh.

I love my name- just because of how you say it.
I love the way you stare at me when you think I'm not looking.
I love the way you lean in close whenever I tell you something,even though we both know you heard me.
I love the sweet things you say to me, even when I'm screaming at you.
I love how you love me- and aren't afraid to show it.
I love how you make me want to be a better person than I ever thought I could be.
But mostly, I love you.
All the good things, all the bad, all the mistakes, all the surprises, all the imperfections, all of it...just because they're yours.

If I had to choose between loving you and breathing. I would use my last breath to tell you

I'm looking for a guy who will kiss me just before the traffic light turns green.
Who closes his eyes when he hugs me.
Who will patiently wait for me after class.
Who smells my hair every chance he gets.
Who will wipe my sweat with his hanky.
Who will sing my favorite song even if he can't carry a tune.
Who will let me rest over his shoulder.
Who will let me sleep on his lap, and will give me the 1st and last bite of his burger.
Who will squeeze my hand tighter when I squeeze his.
Who will make me feel special when everybody tries to put me down.
Who will love me for who I am.
Who will protect me when danger comes my way.
Who will cry when I leave him.
Someone who occupies my dream every night. When I find him I will never let him go.

I cried last night. I was imagining my life without you. -Gabby(me)

You know you are in love when you see the world in her eyes, and her eyes everywhere in the world.
- David Levesque -

The Mysterious "Why?" Question

Why?.... This is a question I am constantly asking myself....
Why did this happen to me? Why does this happen to her or him? Why can't things be better? Why am I like this? Why do I do this? Why do other people do this? Why?
Almost none of these questions have answers. But yet we plow on with them anyway, asking more and more of them all of the time. Why do we ask more "why" questions when we don't have answers to the ones we have already asked?
We all ask "why" questions. But the real question is; Why do we ask these questions? As I am writing this there are hundreds of "why" questions floating around in my brain, but as I am writing that I keep asking myself "Why all of these "why" questions?" and for some reason I feel like I am jogging in circles, and I ask myself "Why did I even start this?" But as I am writing this I honestly think the whole time that I will be at my destination soon, not that I even know what that is.
What I am trying to say, for those not so capable of getting my hidden message, is that in writing this I was expecting to come to an answer to at least one of these questions. But in doing so I have only created more, and I seem to be in the same place I started in, if not worse. And as to not tire my brain out further with this now pointless blog, I will end with a "Good night" and a "Why do we say that?"


Love, what a sweet word.
I love to say it in place of a "farewell" or "see you later". We all have said it once in our lifetime and meant it. Whether it is about those amazing yellow pumps, or to our lovers. What does it really mean?
The meaning seems to change with the context it is used in."I love you" can mean you truly love this person and wish to spend the rest of your life with them, it can also mean "I love you as a friend" but us as a people are much to lazy to bother ourselves with that "lengthy" explanation, on that note it can be used with enormous amounts of sarcasm and in that case you don't really mean that at all, you can also say it with a laugh that means "you are silly, but I like that" but yet again we have no patience nor time to fully explain our true meaning behind those three powerful words. We simply leave free reign to whom we are saying this to or about, to interpret it how they will.
~You may be thinking right now that I am being a "wise ass" but I assure you that my intelligent talk is not in anyway demeaning to your usual typing style, I just simply wish to convey my interest on the subject discussed above in the most intelligent and correct way possible.~

Back to the subject at hand. Love, we use it all the time, it leaves us, we fall into it, it breaks us and heals us. Why do we love it?(pun intended) Because it makes us feel beautiful, special, real, amazing, high, super, or for lack of a better word, loved. Our attraction to it is unsatisfiable, to some people Valentines Day, the day of love itself, is nothing compared to every moment spent with their love.
I know this to be quite true. Our "need" for love drives us to do something, anything.While we are in love we can create inspiring art, song, dance, poetry, or chase something usually out of our reach, and it can make us believe in ourselves. Why do feel like this when we are in love? Because technically it releases a hormone in our brain that makes us feel almost "high", but mostly it is the fact that we feel like we have a place in this world. That suddenly everything seems to make just a little more sense, and the sad or bad things we used to dwell upon suddenly disappear.
I love being in love. I love telling people I am in love. I love telling people I am loved. I am here. I am important to some one. Someone would miss me if I were to leave, and it makes me want to stay here just a little but longer. Waste just a little more for them, just to try to convey your truest and deepest of feelings to them, even if only a little bit.

Under Attack

Verbally attacking people seems like the better way to attack people nowadays. People say "you're stupid" "you're immature" to you and if they are close enough to you, you believe them.
My morals are that yelling doesn't help, and say what you mean and mean what you say. That means that if I yell at you for doing something wrong that isn't necessarily going to help you get better or be better. And saying what you mean, and meaning what you say may sound simple enough, but they are harder to do than you think....people may say I am I am not, I am just saying what I mean. And I ALWAYS mean what I say, when I say so. Yea, I may joke, but it is never true if it is meant to hurt you.
When people verbally attack me I feel like I am being physically attacked. The walls around me close in. I feel claustrophobic, I start screaming hoping that it will discourage them. But they never notice, they think I am just trying to argue with them.
I hate yelling, I hate being told I am wrong when I know I am doing what is right for ME!, I hate people talking crap about other people. I believe people no matter what, it may be wrong, but I still do it, I just think people should be given the benefit of the doubt. I am very passionate about the people I love, I will do anything to protect them. Because I am afraid of loosing them. I won't loose them!
Please don't attack me, I know I do wrong, but attacking me only makes me back into a corner and cry. It doesn't help to overload me with stuff to do when I already have so much on my mind. You need to look past the stuff I always do wrong and see what I do right.
Don't laugh at me, it is just the same as calling me dumb, or slapping me in the face. It shows me that you have no respect for me, and if you have no respect for me you don't deserve to see the real me.

Just let me be, and let me handle it. I want to be able to say in the future that was able to do it.

My Feelings Last Night

Do you know that feeling when you know you screwed up real bad and you hate yourself for it? Well I feel like that right now, but I know that the person that should be mad at me isn’t, and that just makes me feel worse.
This is the feeling I had last night, but I was too lazy and drained to post it then, so I am posting it now.

My Wall

I don’t care.” This is my wall. Don’t try to break it down because you will break me too. My wall protects me from caring to much and getting hurt, because I care, or just because I don’t want to tell someone my truest, deepest, darkest feelings that I have on the inside. I am afraid to loose the thing that means the most to me.
I hate when people don’t understand that I can’t handle being yelled at during stressful times. I can’t be loaded up or badgered, or I will combust internally and die. I feel, in those situations, that my head will explode, or my emotions will explode. I fear I will hurt someone and never fix that in the end.
I don’t want to regret anymore, my wall protects me from regret. I am so afraid, I am so angry, I am so lonely. I know I am not truly alone but I feel like I should be alone.
I care way too much, how do I stop caring? Help me to stop caring for real. Please! I need to be rescued, I feel like I am drowning. I know who can save me, but I don’t want them to have the responsibility of my life or emotions on his shoulders. I want to save him. That is the only way I can be saved myself.

Monday, September 29, 2008

My Explination

I am sitting typing in my college's library, so the usual frustrated sighs I make when I can't think of something to write are absent. I wanted to explain that weird and sort of uncalled for post last night. I was going to post something but I had, had a hard day and I was emotionally drained so instead of typing, thinking, and correcting all night.
I decided to be lazy and free write for about an hour last night. Now today I was able to go and see my Psychiatrist today. I feel so much better because all I did the entire session was talk about everything I could think of that I have or had problems with in current time or in the past.
I was so happy to get all of that off of my chest because then I was able to feel just a little bit better. I really like my Psychiatrist because no matter what I say he understands and says it is okay that I feel a certain way but we should probably find a more healthy way of helping me. So I am beginning to explore different ways that are much more healthy for me. I really do appreciate his help.
On that note I probably should stop here for now because, even though I am trying, I am still making those frustrated noises and I am getting weird stares. And I am also seeing that the keyboard I am using is really loud and I tend to type very "harshly". And so I bid you, dear reader(s) farewell for now.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sorry readers.

I can't blog right now. My chest hurts so bad.

My Thoughts on Love

Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called "silly" and that is the end of it.
I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person, and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that.
We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in the foyer, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling into the picture of a spider on the wall, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much each of us means to the other.

~Every time I am around him my chest hurts because it knows that the heart that used to be there is close~ -Gabby

~All the words in the dictionary can tell exactly how I feel about him~ -Gabby

These phrases popped into my head as I was sitting on a bench, on a dock, in the rain waiting for him to come and see me. My hair was plastered to my face dripping fat water droplets onto my phone, ditsorting the picure. I couldn’t move until these thoughts were put somewhere where I could find them again. I was stuck to my seat, the rain getting harder every second, but I didn’t even notice the cold or the wetness.
I only saw the screen of my phone and the words I was trying to write on it. I am so happy to remember these phrases because maybe if he reads this and knows that I was diligently and loyally waiting for him in the poring rain for over an hour, and all I could think about was him. Maybe he will start to see exactly how much I truly care for him.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My Dream Of Snow

I love snow, its sweet caress on my cheek making my face look like I have been crying small tears of cold ice. My heart aches to be like snow, beautiful and dangerous. I want to be able to make a man fall to his knees with one touch of my graceful white hands. I want to be able to hear all of the secrets whispered into the winter wind. I want to be able to bring couples closer together by just being there. People may think I am a hindrance but they are deep down actually glad that I came for I bring a time of celebration and togetherness. I want to be the snow.