Sunday, October 12, 2008

New Love May Spout Even In Complete Heartbreak

After what seems like forever I have finally moved on from my ex-boyfriend.
I am not trying to say that I don't like him anymore, no!
I still like him, I just like him as a friend now.
My anger towards him has completely subsided.
I think I might care for someone else though.
I am not dating him now or any time in the near future, my heart won't let me just yet.
But in time, if I still feel the same, I may be with him one day.
He seems to understand me better than anyone else so far, he understand what he can't do and that I may hurt him.
But he doesn't seem to care, he only seems to care about being with me,
in any way possible.
Even if that means that I never date him.
That means more than anything to me.
He cares.
I need someone like that.
He also tells me when he notices something nice about me at random times.
That flatters me, I like it.
I like being told that my eyes are beautiful,
that my shape is amazing
that I have a beautiful body
that I am kind
and almost goddess like
I cry when I hear beautiful words like that directed at me.
I don't believe him at first, but the more he says it, and the more other people say it the more I believe it.
I am starting to believe that I may actually be beautiful.
This is an amazing feeling, it is hard to get me to feel this way, even after the conversation is over.
I always feel pretty when I am with someone who truly cares about me.
But I have never felt beautiful when I am by myself after a conversation has ended.
But I do now!
I feel like I should be wearing a white cotton dress for some reason..
Oh, well! I just am happy right now, stressed, but happy.
I had a comment on my "How Dare You Judge Me?" blog and it said that, "I don't judge you...the difference is you choose to show emotion...while i and many others keep bottled up. From my eyes you should be judging me. Have a great night" and this just caught me off guard.
I believe that we, as humans, judge.
Whether unconsciously or not, we judge, we label.
It only gets bad, though, when we let that effect how we treat people.
I don't let my judgement effect how I treat people, that is what I was trying to get at.
And telling me I should be judging you?
That is absurd and something I would never do!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

You Dare To Judge Me?

People seem to think it wierd that I dress in almost all black and still have an upbeat additude most of the time.
I think that categorizing how people should act, based off of their clothes is ludacris!
I wear black.
So what?
I like the feeling of the darkness, and the things in it attract me.
That doesnt mean that I have to go around moaning my sorrows, or that I blog because I want pity.
I do things because I like to!
I strted this blog to vent my feelings, no matter what they were.
I am not here to be popular.
Yea, people reading my writings makes me happy.
But that is not the reason of my posts.
The reason I post is for ME and ME only!
Do not be conceted.
I like to wear black, and I am happy about that.
Get over it.
I am not a clone.
I am not another barbie, or just another emo or goth chick.
The only way to describe the way I am is my name.
I am Gabrielle!

I Want To Be Happy But That Seems To Be The Hardest Thing To Do Right Now

Right now there are many things I want.
But mostly I want to be happy.
But happiness seems to be the most evasive thing for me lately.
I feel like I am using someone to get over another.....but right now I just can't love someone, like
I love(d) him
I can fool around and try to drown him out
but he took a piece of me and kept it
And I keep remembering the feeling of what it felt like to have a whole heart.
Now it is just broken
just in pieces
Just there.It hurts
But all I need is time
I will not use this person, meaning I will not leave them after feel better.
But they must know that I am "using" them as a distraction so I don't cry night and day
I hope they understand and still care the way they do
but if they don't I'll understand
because I know I am an awful person
and really messed up right now.

Monday, October 6, 2008

My Confusion

I am so freaking confused.
I hate being this way.
I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have had so much going on lately.
And the second I start to blog again I am so freaking confused.
People are telling me things about a person, that I care about, that I don't want to know.
But I hear what they are saying and I listen, I don't like what I hear all of the time, but I still listen.
Right now I just need to laugh and smile and enjoy life.
It is hard but I will try, dear readers, I will try.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I Am Scared. But I Need To Be, So I Can Be "Free"

I am scared because he says that taking a break will help him concentrate better.
Why don't I entirely believe him.
But in truth I will start to get distracted because I will worry if he is flirting with some other girl or he suddenly decides that he doesn't love or want me anymore.
It may help him, but it will only hurt me.
I realized yesterday when I was thinking about all of this that I could live without him, but I really, really, really, really, don't want to have to.
I really could but it would hurt so much and I would be scarred forever, I am afraid of that.
I don't want to be alone, because I will always love him.
I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me back again.
I am scared.
I seem to always be scared lately, I don't like it.
But what can I do?
I can't stop myself from having doubts.
But before I knew exactly how deep my love for him ran, and before I realized that I can't depend on him so much anymore, I was in a haze.
I felt clouded, I felt held down by something.
Then I realized that I could live without him and that I can't depend on him for everything that my sight became clearer, and my heart a little lighter.
I am still scared, but I am finally allowing myself to be free, and myself.
I feel uplifted, and happy.
I may still dress depressing but I am not depressed myself.
I just prefer to wear black.

My Thougts On Fall

I love this time of year.
Fall. The smells, the colors the sights, the nights, the fires, the pumkins, everything.
Fall comes second only to Winter in my eyes.
But I love the silence at night, no chirping crickets, no heat.
I love the smell of perfectly ripe apples and cinnamon, the sharpness of cilled cider, and the smell of pumkin guts on carving days.
I love the keleidaskope of colors that are created within the limbs of trees.
I love to hug a dear one close in the chill wind, and seeing them laugh with their cheeks numb and red makes me happy.
I feel creative in the fall, I feel safe in the fall.
I feel loved, and warm in the fall.
I feel free in the fall.
But soon winter will come and I will be sad that autumn is leaving but I will be glad of the sharp cold, and silence that winter brings.

Halloween Costume?

Okay, so I didn't break anything.
But I really wanted to.
So I was starting to wonder what I should be for Haloween, because It is only like 29 days away.
And I strted to think of what I really wanted to be, and I noticed that I don't know.
But right now I really am in a fall mood, my room smells like apples and cinamon from my candle in a jar.
So, I though of a few ideas for Halloween and I am going to have a poll to see what people think I should wear.
1. Pirate
2. Vampire*
3. Gothic Lolita (google it if you don't know)
4. Dog
5. Cat
6. Dead Bride
7. Dead prom date
8. Murderer victim
I am going to stop there because now they are just getting a little weird.
So tell me if you like any of these or any other suggestions you may have.
*= I really like this one.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Why Am I Mad?

I am so freaking mad right now and there is no particular reason for this.
I am not mad at anyone in particular.
I just feel like killing something or tearing something into pieces and throwing them all over.
I am listening to that new Pink song about getting in a fight, and it is totally getting my blood boiling.
I am blasting the music out of my sound system in me room, my parents are probably going to come in here soon and yell at me to turn it down.
But I am not sure I will.
I feel awesome and powerful!
It is slightly scary, but I am not going to question it for now.
So if I don't post for a while it is because I punched either my computer or I punched something else important and got the computer taken away.
This probably wasn't written very well, and I apologize, but I just had to get this out there.
I said that would post everything no matter haw mushy or dark they got, well violent falls under that as well.