Monday, December 29, 2008

Some Things About Me

It really confuses and makes me happy and the same time if some one says that what I write is deep when I wasn't trying to do anything other than get my thoughts out of my mind

I love finding quotes and funny llittle facts!

I love music because it is the only way for me to truly express my emotions and what my mood is, without using words....because sometimes, words just don't cut it, there are things out there that need a word but they don't have one that fits

I love to write because I can let anything I want out, when I am writing, nothing matters because I know that no one can say anything bad about my inner thoughts
they should be thanking me right then for letting them into a small part of my soul

I love swimming because I can let out all of my anger, it can also sooth me whan I am sore or makes me feel free, all I have to do is put my head under and all of the yelling, screaming, nagging, worries go away instantly...

I love photography because it is the only time I can actually get across everythign I wanted to say without saying a word
All i do is simply look, point and shoot.
I love being able to capture somethings soul in an instant, and keep it forever

The things that I love I have so much passion for....I love them, they make me, me!

I don't hate, I only pity people who hate.

I feel sorry for those who only see the bad in people and that they can't look past that
to see that a person, even the worst of them
has all done something kind or good in their life!
I believe that every one can do good, I think it is a personal choice to not do good.

I am very openminded, I love hearing someones opinion of something, I love thinking about
things like that.
I like being able to say, "yea, I know what you are talking about, but this is a good point too" or, "I agree, and I am so happy that you were able to tell me that."

These are very old but I'll post them anyways

i see him
he sees me
i run
because he knows
what does he know?
well i am not going to tell you that am i?
he sees me run
he chases
don't chase me
you know my secret so there is nothing I can hide from you
i change
i am away
i have escaped
Only me and him know

why do i have to sing?
it keeps me off the brink of insanity
i sing songs in a long forgotten language that everything knows
i am older than i look and being so old makes you know things
things that can scare you in to the brink of insanity
but singing of old things that are forgotten is best
for the old ways are much simpler
there was only ever one way of living
to live.
Then to die
I wish I could

I am in trouble
Save me
Why won’t you stop?
It hurts

Does this word exist?
Is it ever true?
Can you keep me safe?
You said you can
But I am not so sure
Why do you promise things that you can’t keep?
I thought you could
This happened
Why did you say you could keep me safe?
You were the one who hurt me
Did your promise include keeping me safe from yourself?
Who can save me from themselves?

How Much He Means To Me

He should be calling me soon. I can't wait. I love him so much. Sometimes it actually hurts me. There is this deep aching feeling in my chest when I talk to him. Or even when I am just thinking about him. I have a need for him now. He makes me whole, he makes me feel good about myself; even when I don't want to. He makes me laugh when I'm angry, etc. He isthe only person who I know that can do this at all, let alone to me. I love him, and I mean that more than I ever have in my entire life. I could never live without him, let alone tryin the first place. He makes my skin turn to fire and my heart beat along to a fast rythim I love him so much. I wish that I didn't have so many problems, then I would be able to talk to him directly, and I wouldn't feel so worried and weird. I love him, I could never say it enough. I don't ever WANT to say it enough. I am happy where I am and I never want that to change. I love him. That is all I can say. Those three pathetic, often missunderstood, or missused words are the only thing that I have to expess myself. I think that it is a major understatement, but any more powerful words, illude me. I love him.That is what I am limited to. But I think that untill I, or someone else, invents a better word or phrase, I will be limited to those three limp words. But I mean them with all of my heart.

Untitled Thought

Everytime that I just sit down and silently rant to my computer does good for me. I feel a little better knowing that it is in writting and that all I have to do is print it out if I ever wanted to show someone exactly how I felt at that moment and almost exactly what happened. Sometimes I forget little things like that. I can remember if a person was there but I could never tell you what their height, eye color, or clothes looked like. I hate that little quirk. I also like the fact that I could show this to anyone at any time, without having to actually say it. It is so much easier to write what you want than to actually say it out loud. I can say so much more and I can say it to much easier if it is on paper. or even just digital.


Love is such a wonderful, strange, and beautiful thing. It winds like a road made of shoelaces, twisting and turning, and even looping over its self sometimes. But we love to travel it because it gives us a sense of being needed or wanted. We can screw up because we seem to lose all ability of reason. But if the person truly loves you back then you are just called silly and that is the end of it. I am in love, I have fallen in love so many times, but always for the same person and I fall harder and harder every time. But I am not sad or upset that this person can create this amazing feeling in my chest, in fact I am ecstatic that someone can have such an amazing effect on me. We are in love, simple as that. We are so much in love that even a second spent hugging each other feels like the best thing in the world. Just listening to music and swaying with it in his room, our arms and bodies entangles so much, each trying to hold on the other just a little bit harder, that we end up tripping over each other and almost falling, laughing the entire time. Laying on the couch stealing sweet kisses while our parents aren’t looking, boldly looking into each others eyes trying to tell the other with out words how much one means to the other.

Some Lyrics I Wrote

And they said love
they said forever
they said now
and together

They said I will be
Never again do i want to hear such lies
the lies
they tell to me

And they said love
they said why not
they said alot
and i fought
for you

They will never know
that i saw right through them
right through their lies
right through there fakness

And they said lies
through their stained teeth
forever we will be
forever u and me
all lies

in my face
hitting me
hurting me
you said you didn't mean to
you didn't want to
you didn't know

i know
you know
we know
you meant to hurt me
because you didn't tell me
when it started going downhill
when you started to not feel the same
did you ever feel the same as me

I loved you so
i never would have let you go
exceptyou wanted to go
and if your happy
then i'll let you go

All i wanted was for you to be happy
with or with out me
i'll learn to live
i love you so
i never tried to let you go
but i need to now

I never wannnted to say
I don't need you today
but im glad
i can say
loved you
even if only for a day

The Unnamable Woman

Therein the moonlight
look it is she
the one
they call her
the puppetier of the night
she pulls all of the strings that make the night
she rides the Night mare
she is the daughter of shadows and dreams
she makes the crickets chirp
the bushes rustle
the shadows move
the birds adjust
and she makes your mind
see things that aren't really there
she helps all of us overcome our inner fears as well
she makes and shapes our dreams so that we may see the inner meanings to our life
as well as maybe, if your lucky,she will show you a piece of your future in your dreams
the only thing you have to do is remember
and use what she gives you selectivly and wisely
do not get caught up in her or take her too seriously
she can fool and joke
she will overthrow you and you will never come back from her world

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I Wrote This Forever Ago. But I'll Post It Now.

I hate this right now
I can’t log onto my blog to post this stuff
But I can’t get onto Myspace or Facebook either
I hate that
I need do to that stuff
To help m calm down
But I can’t if I can’t get to it
I hate this
I really need my internet music to help me calm down and be able to loose myself in it
There is nothing I can loose myself in anymore
I hate this
I am also afraid of being left
I am afraid that since I have given all I can
That I will be thrown away
Because I have been used before
I have this fear
I hate having this fear
I want to believe that I won’t be thrown away after what happened
But it is really hard for me to believer that
I need to talk to someone
But I can’t
No one is ever available when I need them the most
They are all busy
Or tired
Or they don’t care
Or they are in trouble and can’t talk
I need someone
I really do
They came!
I am so happy!
They care!
But then they have to leave again
I hate that
I wish we just lived together
I hate this
I wish I wasn’t under their control anymore
I think that I make good decisions
I think that I am responsible
And that I am showing that
But it seems like the more responsible that I am
The more I get taken away
I don’t get this reasoning
I hate that reasoning
I hate this
I hate being like this
I really want to learn to type without looking at the keyboard
It is fairly hard but it is possible
And I can get through it fairly well
But I do go a bit slower that normal
But that is okay
If that is the price I have to pay
So be it!

I hate that they think that they can just take whatever they want away from me
Especially when I am becoming more responsible as we speak
I am showing them exactly how responsible I am
And I am getting everything taken away
My phone, My Computer, My internet, my freedom, my friends, my boyfriend, My Security, My contacts, My relaxation, My life
Everything is being taken away
And they are using petty excuses
Ones like “You think that having that kind of a cell phone bill will go unpunished?”
Well I am being punished for it
I have to pay most of the bill!
And this whole computer thing
Is way off the wall
My sister had a fight with my parents….I get my internet taken away?
I have to let my grades suffer?
Because of my sister being a grouch?
And I also have to stand there when he jumps on her?
I am not allowed to swear? I get grounded for a week for swearing?
Somehow that doesn’t seem fair to me…idk
I don’t know what is going on in this house anymore.
I really don’t get anyone’s thought process anymore
I really don’t know where they are pulling this stuff from
Usually I get a day or two grounded because of swearing
Never a week
And I apologized for it too
But I must be punished harshly for something because I am more responsible?
Somehow that makes no sense to me
Does it make sense to anyone else?
I’m not really sure
But I don’t see how it could

I think that the word freedom is not ever completely understood
I think that true freedom doesn’t exist
Just like perfection
It can be said and thought of
But it is never truly accomplished.

New Years Resolutions!

1. Blog more.
2. Live life knowing that I am cared for by someone.
3. Say that I am beautiful and mean it.
4. Stop nagging on myself and just relax.
5. Get rid of my anxiety problem.

What about you? What are your resolutions?